


a tornado flew around

by snuffleslove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 06:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuffleslove/pseuds/snuffleslove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>just another achy ziam canon fic featuring a piny zayn and a piny liam and all knowing bandmates, and i'm really bad at summaries, just read, ok?</p>
            </blockquote>





	a tornado flew around

**Author's Note:**

  * For [badjujuboo (miztrezboo)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miztrezboo/gifts).



> for cass, because even though she lives on the other side of the world she still manages to find the pieces of me that i lay out in all my fics. i love you so much! these words are for you! 
> 
> and also for elle, who made me feel like a storyteller
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> (comments > kudos)

"Deepest, darkest secret, go," is Harry's demand after he comes trouncing unannounced into Zayn's room to settle on his bed in front of him. He's wide eyed and eager with hair that looks like Louis's just had his hands in it and Zayn approaches with caution.

He folds the book he's been rereading over his finger, (Perks of Being a Wallflower, so that maybe he'll learn not to be) to consider the boy in front of him. He has to answer the question, those are the rules. This is how they've decided to get to know each other, in about the five seconds they have before they have to show the world they're best friends, destined to sing together, put together by fate. Any question at any time of day is fair game. And even though Liam Payne (broad shouldered, brown eyed, Bieber haired Liam Payne) had glanced reassuringly around at the rest of the boys and said they could all have one free pass, Zayn can't take it, not this early. 

Harry's still waiting, eyes softening to a kindness that looks twice his age and so Zayn puts a bookmark in his book, leans over to place it on the bedside table and then clears his throat. 

"Might like both boys and girls," he mumbles, glancing up at Harry nervously after the confession to gauge Harry's reaction. Harry's smiling at him now, no mirth, just more of that _kindness_ so he goes on, "There was this kid yeah, in my drama class. And we, I dunno. We fooled around a bit I guess. Had to keep sneaking around though cause if my dad found out he'd kill me, I dunno. He was the only one though. No one else knows." 

Harry stills his hands after a moment, reaching for their jitteriness and interlacing calmness into them and Zayn lets out a breath that is both relief and gratitude. 

"Me too," Harry says simply after a moment. "M'actually sure about it. And I think Louis's grappling with it a bit as well," (That's the other thing, all their secrets are everyone's secrets now, aren't they?)

Zayn nods slowly, and Harry tilts his head to the side thoughtfully. 

"Funny isn't it? I mean, I guess you'd have kept it secret anyway, for awhile at least, because of your Dad. But, this was something about myself I never really thought I'd have to keep hidden away. Not until I got here, anyway," he glances idly around the bungalow and swallows almost nervously, and Zayn wonders whether in ten years this _child_ of a lad will have any regrets. He wonders whether they all will. 

\--

_No regrets_ is the first mantra he learns on this roller coaster he's blindly strapped himself into. The first of many.

\--

_They don't know you_ is learned next, after Zayn begins to find the shit that's being printed about him around the world. And there is a lot of it, because just as they skyrocket up, they leave behind a trail of gossip and news and Zayn is too new at this to have learned to ignore it yet. And they do talk about everything, from the shape of your face to the size of your dick, and for Zayn, the color of his skin and the sound of his religion against a backdrop of warped political context.

It has Zayn grinding his teeth. 

"They don't even know me, not really," he says darkly to Perrie. They both have meetings with the big man Simon Cowell today and so they've agreed to grab tea beforehand so that Zayn can unload the headlines of this week. It's easy with Perrie. Maybe it's because she's from the north too but Zayn appreciates their common ground. She knows what to ask and what not to ask and she also knows when exactly to let him stew.

Or maybe it's just that he appreciates her innocence. Easy questions with no agenda, except maybe to make him say more than four words all at once, and a laugh that sends him back to simpler school days. Or something.

"That's the point isn't it though," she says now, feeling around the words before saying them, because she's learning too, isn't she. "They _don't_ know you so they shouldn't be allowed to place judgement and even if they do, you shouldn't let it get to you, because _they don't know you_. If they did they'd have nothing nasty to say, I promise."

Zayn takes a large gulp of tea, wincing against the burn.

"Thanks," he mumbles. "It's just - "

"I know, Zayn," she says quietly. "Don't _worry_. They love you, they don't care about any of it."

He nods hesitantly, soothed despite himself by her calm confidence.

"So," she pauses, voice turning teasing, "How's Liam?"

He rolls his eyes.

"Still with Danielle," he reminds her (and that's another mantra isn't it? One that Zayn recounts after every warm glance and warmer touch), "Still likes girls." _Still doesn't like me,_ he adds to himself. Another mantra.

"Wasn't Ziam something or other trending just the other day," she grins at him cheekily, laughing delightedly when he colors.

"Fuck off," he mumbles. "Anyway, Zerrie was trending like, yesterday so - " he waggles his eyebrows at her and she giggles.

"Fair enough. Still, his new hair cut's lovely isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," Zayn says wistfully, kicking her under the table lightly when he realizes she's laughing at him again.

"Time for you to go," she says, checking her watch. "I'll see you soon yeah?"

He nods, and they stand so he can pull her to him, kiss her on the cheek.

"Sooner than last time, yeah?" she adds, "I've missed you."

"Well if you'd let me fly you out one of these days - "

It's an old line and she wrinkles her nose at it.

"We'll see," she says, as usual, and he laughs. Kisses her again.

When he enters Syco headquarters the lads are waiting for him past security and when he approaches, Niall hands him a croissant he probably snagged for him from breakfast, and Louis and Harry manage to look up from where they're hunched over Harry's phone to smile at him but Liam wraps an arm around him, fists a hand in the collar of Zayn's jacket to turn their faces together.

"Where were you," he asks him worriedly, "You were gone when I stopped in to bring you tea and - "

"Sorry," Zayn winces, "Forgot to tell you. Breakfast with Perrie. She's in too for a meeting with Simon."

Liam furrows his brow and he's about to say something when Louis interrupts -

"Liam missed you desperately," he informs Zayn, never missing an opportunity to tease. "Didn't you Li?"

Liam doesn't look at him, just flips him the bird, eyes still on Zayn.

"Yeah," he says earnestly, eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiles at Zayn, "Yeah I did."

Zayn laughs at him.

"Bloody sap," he teases affectionately. "You're the biggest One Direction fan there is, did you know that?"

"Not the biggest One Direction fan, biggest Zayn Malik fan, isnt it Haz?" Niall jokes and Harry nods.

"He doesn't care half as much for us as he does for you," Harry pouts and Louis makes a soothing noise, tucks him into his side.

"Go on, give him your letterman jacket Zayn. Wanna watch him swoon," Louis says, laughing into Harry's hair.

Zayn chuckles good-naturedly. Only Perrie knows about his feelings for Liam, or he's sure the boys wouldn't make fun like they do. Besides, they'd probably stop if he asked them to, but he doesn't mind it, honestly. It's gone on for so long he's used to it. And he knows exactly where he stands with Liam. He's straight. He's dating Danielle. That's that. 

"Didn't think you were supposed to play favorites with the children," Zayn teases Liam, turning to find Liam's still smiling at him happily.

"You're not children," he clucks his tongue, "Even though you choose to act that way. But you are my favorite," he leans in, cheek in his eye like they're sharing an old joke between them.

Around them there's a collective groan and Niall staggers back as if physically wounded, right into the man who's come to take them up to their meeting.

"And the idiots have arrived," he says affectionately, laying a hand on Niall's shoulder to steady him, "C'mon you lot, before you burn something down again."

Louis' mouth falls open in mock outrage. 

"How was I supposed to know how Zayn's lighter worked," he squawks indignantly.

"And we hardly burnt anything down, it was just a stack of napkins," Harry defends, "We put it out and everything."

"Children," Zayn mouths to Liam as they follow him out and Liam smothers a giggle into Zayn's shoulder.

There're a few more people than usual in with them, and Zayn shoots a confused look at Louis around Liam, but Louis just shakes his head, arches an eyebrow and Zayn shrugs, so they've no choice but to wait and see what surprises they're in for.

It starts off routinely - the usual small talk, numbers of the week and future interview plans. Zayn tunes them out. Liam and Harry'll remember for him, make sure he packs for the right weather and all.

He perks up again when they start talking about press. They want Harry out with another model and Harry frowns slightly but nods his head in reluctant agreement. They give Louis the go ahead to fly Eleanor out to France in two weeks when they're there. Zayn vaguely remembers Louis mentioning something about their four month anniversary. When they turn to Zayn his heart sinks a little at the woman's stern face.

"Zayn was papped smoking, again," she says and beside him he feels Liam go stiff where he's got his arm around Zayn's chair.

"Sorry," he mutters, embarrassed. 

"How many times should we tell you what it does to your image before you realize and take us seriously?" She scolds, "You're- "

"Lay off," Liam interrupts her, scowling, "He has to smoke outside, he doesn't have a choice. "

"He could just quit," she rolls her eyes.

"I'm trying," Zayn tries feebly, "I - "

"It's not that easy, you've obviously never had an addiction," Niall cuts in in his defense, glaring at the lady, but Harry puts a hand on his knee, shuts him up before he gets a chance to cuss anyone out.

"He's trying," Louis speaks up calmly. "And until he manages it I'm sure One Direction's rep could use a little bite."

"Maybe," the woman says, and who is she, honestly, "But we're not willing to take that chance."

Zayn sits up straighter at that, opens his mouth to ask her what the bloody hell that's supposed to mean. But Liam gets there first.

"What exactly are you saying?" he asks quietly with narrowed eyes.

"We'd like Zayn to be seen dating Perrie Edwards. We'd like them to make it official."

" _What?_ ," they all exclaim at the same time.

"We think it'll be good for both of you," Simon speaks up finally. "Gives Little Mix the publicity they need to get off the ground in the States. And Perrie will clean up your image, Zayn. She doesn't drink, she doesn't smoke, she's -"

"White," Harry growls out, "Don't think we don't know what this is about. "

Zayns head snaps up and he turns to look at the rest of the boys. He hadn't thought they'd be paying attention to any of it and he hadn't said anything to them, hadn't wanted them to worry -

But Liam's shooting him a soft, _don't be silly_ look and Zayn swallows. He should have known better. Fuck.

"This is absolute rubbish," Louis declares firmly, "Zayn shouldn't have to do anything of the sort - "

"Wait," Zayn says, "It might not be a bad idea." He looks around at all of their worried faces. "Little Mix deserves the publicity, they're talented. And I could help."

"Zayn," Liam says slowly, "You know what this means right? If you meet someone - "

He trails off and Zayn studies him. The way he's looking at Zayn is complicated, a mix of concern and love and maybe a little awe and Zayn knows in that moment, like he's probably known all along, that he's not going to meet anyone who will take his breath away like Liam does. Not anytime soon, anyway. 

And he can't have Liam. Not ever. So.

"It's impossible to meet anyone with our lives," Zayn forces himself to say lightly, "I'm in. You have to talk to Perrie first," he warns, "Make sure this is what she really actually wants. But if she's in, I'm in."

"Zayn - " Harry protests. There's an unreadable expression in his eyes when he glances between Liam and Zayn that has Zayn holding his breath, but at the last moment Harry just sighs, gives a tiny shake of his head and Zayn relaxes. 

"You don't have to do this," Liam says quietly. "We don't care what they're saying about you, it doesn't matter to any of us."

"The only objection you have is that you think it'll be unfair to me, right?" Zayn ignores Liam, addresses the group instead. "There's no consequence to the band, or any of you in this?" 

The four of them glance at each other before nodding hesitantly.

He turns back to Simon.

"I'm in," he says again, firmer this time.

There's a knock on the door and then it opens slowly.

"Oh shit, sorry," comes Jade's voice, "They told us to come right in, we thought you were finished."

"No no, it's quite alright, come in," Simon calls. "We want you all here for this."

Perrie shoots Zayn a confused look and Zayn bites his lip, shrugs back at her.

Before they can even take seats, the woman speaks up again.

"Miss Perrie Edwards, we'd like you to officially date Zayn Malik, starting next month. We'll arrange to have you papped together, maybe exchange a few tweets, and then it can be released to The Sun when we're ready."

"Now hold on just a bloody second," Leigh Anne snaps, reaching for Perrie's hand.

Perrie's looking from Simon to Zayn to the woman, eyes wide and nervous.

"What exactly is going on?" she asks quietly. "Zayn? Are you - "

"I'm in if you're in," he says again, looking up at her reassuringly. When he sees that she's still got a dazed look in her eye he turns back to the woman, anger at the edge of his vision, "Can't you give her a minute to think about it?"

"We'll give you two a moment," Simon suggests, gesturing to an empty room attached to his. Zayn nods, extracts himself from Liam's vice grip on his arm and takes Perrie's hand from Leigh Anne.

"C'mon," he murmurs, "Let's talk."

"They're mad," is what she says when Zayn closes the door behind him, sinking heavily into a chair, "They're bloody mad is what they are." 

"Come on," Zayn feigns hurt, "The idea of dating me can't be that awful." 

She gives him a look. 

"It's not that." 

"Then?" 

"It's just. The _principle_ of it innit? They can't tell us who we can and can't date - " 

"They say you'll be good for my image," he interrupts quietly, and there's something in his eyes like pleading and he can't ask her out loud, but he knows she catches it the way her eyes darken. 

"You've gone mental, Malik," she says, raising her voice now, "You really think this is something you have to do? Why? Because you look a bit different than everyone else?" 

"Perrie," he tries, holding up his hands in surrender, "Let me do this for them."

"You don't owe bloody Simon Cowell anything," she bites out, voice rising further, "You've already made him a ridiculous amount of money - " 

"The _boys_ , Perrie. Let me do this for the lads, yeah? I owe them everything, don't I? Let me just contribute something positive - " 

"If you finish that thought, I swear to god Zayn - " she's shouting now and Zayn winces. 

"Perrie," he coaxes softly, "Pez. C'mon. It'll be good for both of us. You're not. You're not in love with someone else are you?" 

She shakes her head slowly, watches him carefully. 

"As soon as you meet someone we can break it off. You can say I was a dick or I cheated or something. C'mon," he moves closer to her to kneel in front of her chair and rest his chin on her knees, "I'll be a good boy friend. I'll send you flowers and everything. You can talk all kinds of sappy shit about me in interviews, tell everyone I'm completely gone for you. It'll be fun," he looks up at her from beneath his eyelashes, "Please?" 

"Zayn," she protests feebly, "This isn't how it's supposed to work." 

And Zayn doesn't push it, just nods his head in defeat. He can't hold it against her, he knows how big this thing could become between them, knows the consequences could be ugly. 

"You're right, of course you are. And you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do. We'll tell them no." 

He stands, holds out a hand for her. She eyes it and then looks back up at him. 

"Fine," she mumbles, "But I get to tell the most embarrassing stories about you. And you can't tell anyone I snore or anything like that. And absolutely _no_ sap from you in interviews. I don't want to hear from Alan Carr that you've got like, stars in your eyes when you talk about me or some rubbish like that." 

Zayn beams at her. 

"Deal," he says and after a moment she relents and takes his hand. He brings it up to his lips to press a kiss to it sillily and she sighs. 

"You're my best friend, you know that right?" she says softly, "Apart from the girls and my mum, you're all I've got."

Zayn nods at her, pulls her up and into his arms. 

"We'll be ok," he tells her, "Don't _worry_." 

\--

It's a long while before they get through hashing out all the details, and at the end Zayn feels drained. They talk about dates and rules and logistics and it's a nightmare, all of it. Now, he just wants to curl up in bed and watch crap telly or a superhero movie, but Harry follows him into his flat without a word so Zayn sets about putting on tea. 

After a moment of fiddling with the latest gadgets Zayn's bought on awful whims, Harry joins him, hopping up onto the kitchen counter and drumming his feet into Zayn's cabinets. 

Zayn doesn't ask, just goes about his business, knows Harry can't hold his tongue for long. 

He's right.

"You have another secret," Harry says flatly, and Zayn drops the box of tea bags.

Fuck. 

"Harry - " 

"Don't deny it," Harry says, and he's not angry, Zayn doesn't think, but there's something in his voice that's hardened, and Zayn's not sure why. "You love him." 

Zayn sighs, looks up to offer Harry a small smile. 

"Yeah," he says simply, "Guess I do." 

And Harry obviously isn't expecting him to give in that easily because he pauses, closes his mouth to study him.

"How come you didn't say anything?" he asks finally, "This whole time, Zayn? We've been teasing him and teasing you and - " 

_Guilt_ , Zayn realizes wonderingly. Harry feels _guilty_.

"S'not a big deal, Haz," he says gently, "It is what it is." 

"I'll tell the others to stop - " 

"No, don't," Zayn interrupts, "Just. Don't tell them? It's fine, it's alright. I promise. I just. I don't want him figuring it out." 

"Zayn - " 

"Haz." 

"Fine," Harry groans out, sliding off the countertop to wrap his arms around Zayn. "You're an idiot though, you know that?" 

"Maybe," Zayn agrees, biting at Harry's ear. Harry jumps in surprise, swatting at him playfully, but when he pulls away he's not smiling, "I'm _fine_ Haz, I promise. I've got it under control. And I like the way things are right now. I wouldn't change a thing. Alright?" 

"Fine," Harry says again, "But if you ever need anything - " 

" _Relax_ Harry, don't be such a diva," Zayn teases him. Harry head butts him indignantly and Zayn laughs. "Thanks," he adds softly. 

Harry responds by licking Zayn's nose, and that's disgusting that is, so Zayn retalliates by tickling him under his ribs, knows Harry'll go out of his mind. 

It can't be a fair fight because Harry's about twice Zayn's size but things have managed to escalate into a tussle that could get dangerous in Zayn's kitchen when the doorbell rings. Zayn manages to push Harry off him in his surprise and Harry blinks quizzically at him, but Zayn shrugs. Anyone who's anyone has a key so - 

When he checks the peephole though, it's Liam he finds frowning apologetically at him, the window making his nose comically large. Zayn laughs, shaking his head fondly, unlocking the door and stepping aside to let him in. 

"Sorry, didn't have hands to use my key," Liam says, holding up movies in one hand and microwave popcorn in the other. "I've got the Nolan Batman trilogy and some popcorn if you're up for it?" he asks hopefully. 

Zayn grins at him, tongue pressing against his teeth. 

"You're my favorite, you know that?" he says fondly and Liam grins back. 

"Oi, m'still here," Harry calls from the kitchen. Liam throws his head back and laughs and Zayn grins wider.

"If I'd known you'd been here I would have brought like, three extra bags of popcorn," Liam calls as they make their way back to the kitchen. They arrive just in time to see Harry scowl.

"I'm a growing boy, I can't help it," he defends petulantly, arms crossed. "Anyway, I'm leaving. I'm obviously not wanted here so - " 

"Harry," Zayn laughs, "C'mon mate, stay." 

"Yeah, stay," Liam agrees, hooking his chin on Zayn's shoulder and wrapping his arms around him from behind. "Just don't eat any of our popcorn." 

Harry shakes his head and his eyes are fond but his small smile is just for Zayn and Zayn exhales, suddenly weary. 

"S'okay," Harry says softly, apologetically, "Promised I'd grab a drink with Niall, rehash management's all new level of low." 

"Yeah," Zayn says tiredly, slumping against Liam, who tightens his grip around him. 

"I'll let myself out," Harry says. "Love you both, yeah?" 

Zayn smiles wanly at him and he can feel Liam nod against his shoulder and when Harry's gone Zayn closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. 

"C'mon, let's get you upstairs," Liam says gently. They make their way to Zayn's bedroom with Liam's hand firm and warm in the small of his back and Zayn lets himself melt into it for once, languid in his exhaustion. 

Liam's already dressed in sweats and a tee, but he pulls two shirts out of Zayn's drawers, tosses one at Zayn and keeps one for himself, tugging off his own one handedly. 

"Oi, you'll stretch it out," Zayn complains, unbuttoning his own shirt and tossing it in the direction of the hamper. 

"Probably," Liam agrees with a smirk, ducking to avoid the pillow Zayn throws at him. 

"Tosser," he mutters around a yawn. 

"Probably," Liam says again. "Dark Knight?" he asks, holding up the movie. Zayn nods. He likely won't make it past the first half hour anyway. Liam puts the movie in and settles in Zayn's bed, reaching for the remote Zayn always keeps by his bedside and Zayn sets about taking off his earrings and contacts and trousers, anxious to get his feet off the ground. 

"Ah fuck," he realizes when he's done, "We forgot to make the popcorn. Do you want me to - " 

But Liam shakes his head. 

"C'mere," he mumbles, so Zayn does, crawling up to settle into the warm heat of Liam's torso and the sturdiness of his arm around him. He closes his eyes and breathes in, a mixture of his own smell and Liam's fill his nose and make him feel like home the way only his mum's apron and sisters' hair used to. 

He knows why Harry's worried, he thinks tiredly. He knows that this is probably the biggest tease he'll ever endure, that it won't let up anytime soon. But he knows too that Liam loves him. Maybe he's not in love with him, but he loves him more than anything. And Zayn's grateful that he's got that. It's enough, it has to be. 

Besides, even if Liam did want him - they could never do anything about it. Not now, not with Zayn's family -. It's just. It's better this way. For everyone. 

"Hey," Liam says gently, shaking him from his thoughts, "Long day?" 

Zayn opens his eyes to realize Liam's got the movie playing on mute and he looks up at him. 

"Yeah, a bit," he admits. Liam pulls him impossibly closer. 

"About Perrie - " Liam begins carefully. 

"Don't you start," Zayn warns sleepily, "I got it from her already, don't worry." 

"I know," Liam says quietly, "We heard." 

Zayn grimaces.

"Shit, sorry," he says, biting his lip. 

"No, s'okay just. Let me say this, yeah? I'm not sure it'll make any difference, coming from me and all but. Just listen, ok?" 

Zayn nods hesitantly. Liam's gone very serious, which, yeah, he's a serious person, it's true. But Zayn's unused to being the focus of it, the center point of all the determination Liam can muster. 

He feels Liam take a deep breath. 

"You don't have to worry about letting us down, or bringing us down, or whatever it is you're worried about, yeah? Everything you bring to us makes us better, as singers, as people, as brothers. We're. We wouldn't be the same without you, even if they made you white and christian and rich and stuck you in with us. That's not the man we want. We want you. Ok?" 

Zayn swallows loudly. 

"Liam - " 

"Don't tell me I don't know," Liam says sternly, and there's anger drawn in a fuzzy outline around his words and Zayn stiffens slightly. "I do know. I'm not you, and I'm not trying to make myself out to be something I'm not but. I love you, Zayn. Everything they say about you hurts me just as much as you and fuck. Sometimes I want to kill them, I get so fucking mad - " 

And he's looking at Zayn with an intent that sucks the air out of the room and Zayn nods helplessly under it, struck by the weight of his words. Because if anyone else had said it, other than his four boys, he would have scoffed but, Zayn understands the way their blood runs together, understands because Zayn feels pain for every hateful word said against any of them, too. 

"Ok," he manages, and it's not enough, but nothing could ever be enough, so it's a start. 

"Ok," Liam echoes him, and Zayn sees relief in his features and he smiles despite himself. "Ok," Liam says again, "So about Perrie - " 

"I still want to," Zayn says, "Don't worry. I'm not exactly looking for anybody at the moment anyway, am I? And I do love her. And if I can help her and the girls, then I want to." 

"Alright then," Liam says, apparently satisfied, "And Danielle says you're going to take over as cutest couple in 1D so, there's that." 

Zayn barks a surprised laugh. 

"Harry and Louis are the cutest couple in 1D," he insists playfully. 

"Followed closely by Niall and I," Liam remarks nonchalantly, and Zayn can _hear_ his smirk. 

"Worst interviewer ever," he mutters, looking up to glare at him, "Hadn't even checked his facts properly - " 

"It's me and you," Liam consoles, but his eyes are alight with laughter, "Don't worry Zayn, it's always me and you." 

\--

Me and you. 

Me and you. 

\--

And so that too becomes a mantra that Zayn lets reverberate through him, through their first Brit award (where he picks up _feet on the ground_ ) and then their first VMAs and then their first commercial. 

It holds through fights with his dad about fame and bouts of terrible homesickness (eventually he finds _home is where the heart is_ and really _that's_ just a play on _band of brothers_ ). 

It stays with him through tours and interviews and screaming fans, and it bleeds into the lyrics he writes for the second album and the late night phone calls when they're on break, and it catches on _i am the luckiest person in the world_ and _fame strips you to the bone_ in equal measure. 

And then, it stutters through Liam and Danielle's break up. 

_Zayn_ stutters through Liam and Danielle's break up. 

\--

It's almost more painful for Zayn than it is for Liam, honestly. Liam comes over with takeaway from their favorite Indian place, and they sit crosslegged on Zayn's carpeted floor with orange curry, and Zayn has to concentrate really hard on getting the soft dipped naan from the container to his mouth so it takes a moment to understand Liam's _Danielle and I broke up_. 

"What?" is all Zayn manages, until good sense kicks in a little while later and, "Shit. Sorry. Are you okay?" spills out in a rush. 

"Yeah," Liam shrugs. "I just. I wasn't making her happy, you know. She's not as chilled out as Perrie," he jokes, copying Zayn's accent very very poorly. "Anyway, we haven't been us in awhile. It's time for me to try new things," he waggles his eyebrows at Zayn but Zayn doesn't laugh.

He can only stare at him as he goes back to eating his food. 

"This is really good," Liam mumbles around his bite, "No wonder you never order anything else." 

As if Zayn's entire world hasn't shifted. 

He calls Perrie up, late when Liam's fallen fast asleep on the couch, head pillowed in Zayn's lap. He disentangles himself, slips a pillow under Liam's head, and when he's sure Liam's sleep hasn't been disturbed, creeps upstairs with his phone. 

"Are your preemptively breaking up with me?" she jokes when he tells her, and it's like all the air's been sucked out of his lungs. 

"Perrie -" he chokes out, and he hears her intake of breath on the upbeat.

"Zayn, hey babe, come on now. Breathe," she murmurs, instantly serious, "It's alright." And it is, it is. It's just. Liam's never been. He's never really been single, not in a long while. And Zayn never considered what would happen when the two of them broke up. "Nothing's changed," she says firmly, cruelly, and it's exactly what Zayn needs to hear, "He's still straight. He loves you. But not like that." 

"Thanks," he mumbles when he can speak again. "Sorry I - " 

"Don't apologize," she says firmly. "Do you want me to come over? I'm actually in the same city as you are for once so - " 

"It's okay, you can't anyway," Zayn tells her, "He's here. Asleep on the couch but." 

"Okay," Perrie says, and if she's surprised she doesn't let on, "We're still on for tomorrow's lunch right? Wanna wear my denim jacket? Make the fans go wild?" she asks, and it's a miracle how she can infuse warmth and care into her words over the telephone, but Zayn guesses they've all gotten good at that. 

"Yeah," he laughs a little breathlessly, "Yeah, see you tomorrow Pez." 

"I love you," she tells him before he hangs up. It gives him the courage to make the trek back downstairs. 

Liam is awake when Zayn gets back, shifting when he hears him and blinking open his eyes. 

"Time is it?" he asks blearily. 

"Round half past ten," Zayn whispers. "Wanna stay down here or - "

"Can we move upstairs?" Liam asks, "Outgrew this couch like a year ago." 

"Yeah," Zayn laughs, "You did. Fatass." 

"Muscle," Liam corrects, petulant in his sleepiness, "I work too hard for you to call me fat." 

"Fine," Zayn indulges him. "C'mon, Hulk. Up and at em." He helps Liam up and they make their way slowly up the stairs. "Wanna take the spare bed then?" 

Liam simply shakes his head so Zayn takes him to his own bedroom. 

"Remember a time when you were like, ready to go out at this time of night?" Liam asks around a yawn, crawling into Zayn's bed and tucking himself in snugly. 

"Not really, no," Zayn says wryly. He shuts the light and gets in on the other side, waits for Liam to make his move. 

Liam slides close to him to rest his head against Zayn's chest and wrap his arm around Zayn's waist, so Zayn fits his arm around Liam's shoulder, pulls him closer. 

Liam snorts. 

"I can pull up pictures of you - " 

"Please don't," Zayn says quickly. 

"Hmm," Liam hums, "You'd have a lot less tattoos than you do now, but it's still you, you couldn't deny it. So many tattoos now - " he's rambling, sleep making him loose lipped, and Zayn stays quiet, soaks in the steady beat of his soft nonsense words. "This one's still my favorite," he says, slipping his hand under Zayn's tee to trace where he knows the heart colors his hip. 

Zayn sucks in a breath, closes his eyes against desire that is _unfair_. His body should be used to Liam by now.

"Bit cliche, maybe," Liam is saying blurrily, "but it's one I understand at least. Want to understand them all though - " he trails off and his breath evens out and Zayn lets air out in a rush of relief. 

\--

And so they go on. Interviews and press for their second album keeps them busy, and Zayn forces _still likes girls_ to echo _me and you_ and for awhile he manages just fine. 

And then they get a break and Liam travels with Louis and Eleanor to France and Zayn stays home, opts to spend what time he can with Danny and Ant before they have to tour the world. 

\--

The night before they've got to get back to work though, he finds himself on Harry's doorstep, rejuvenation only falling asleep to Ant's snores and waking up to Danny's masala chai can bring running through his veins. Harry and Niall have spent all day cooking and his stomach grumbles with the thought of it. 

He's early, but he figures that way he can get a head start on the food. 

When he lets himself in the kitchen quiets and then he hears Niall's warm happy voice. 

"Zayn's here," he's saying, and Zayn can't see them but he can hear a clattering. 

"Can't be Zayn," Harry tells him. "Zayn's never early. It's Louis and Liam." 

"It's Zayn, I know it is. Besides they _just_ landed so - " 

Zayn laughs silently. 

"So what does Niall get for being right then?" he calls out. 

"Zayn," Niall shouts, running down the hall to jump into his arms. Zayn stumbles backwards but manages to hold onto him, hug him back. He smells like a delicious mixture of spices and Zayn breathes him in, steals a taste of his neck. 

"Oi, that's disgusting mate," Niall laughs. 

"You smell good," Zayn says reasonably. From behind Niall, Harry appears, throwing long arms around both of them and bringing them in for a cuddle. 

"Hungry?" he asks, pulling away slightly. 

"Famished," Zayn tells him. 

"Liam and Louis won't be back until a bit later. Their flight landed awhile ago, but by the time they clear security - " 

"And the mobs of screaming girls -" Niall adds. 

"Right," Harry agrees, "I guess they won't be here for another half hour or so."

"Did you tell them to bring back some of that French wine we loved," Zayn asks hopefully, dipping his finger into a pot on the stove to taste. Niall bats his hand away. 

"Of course we did," Harry responds. He's wearing an apron and a headband and he looks positively homely. 

"Hope that's the only thing Liam's bringing back," Niall says, waggling his eyebrows, "Who knows what you can get, taking it up the arse - " 

Zayn's world goes black and white for a moment. 

"Niall! Bad joke!" Harry is scolding sternly and Niall colors slightly. 

"Sorry, you know I love you both," he says contritely. Zayn waves away the apology in a daze. 

"What. Um. What are you guys talking about?" 

Harry turns away from the stove to stare at him, open-mouthed. 

"You didn't know." It's not a question. "I - " 

But Niall cuts him off. 

"Liam went off with Louis because he felt like he needed to, _try new things_ if you know what I mean," he raises his eyebrows at Zayn and Zayn lets out a hysterical noise he hopes can pass as a laugh, "Otherwise he would have just stayed here, gone out Andy, you know? But it's not like he can do anything like that with that bloke around," he finishes darkly, setting the glass he has down with more force than necessary. 

"Grimmy let them know about a few places," Harry says quietly, "Discreet, off the radar, you know. Where they wouldn't be papped." 

Zayn nods but he's lost, like his entire world's been turned upside down and he has no idea where to put his feet. He breathes in a shallow shaky breath. 

"Can I, um. Can I have a drink?" he asks. Harry nods wordlessly, pulls out a beer from the fridge and pops it open for him. 

Later, when Niall gone to use the toilet, Harry comes up behind Zayn. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't think there'd be any reason why you wouldn't know. It's. It's _Liam_. You always know before we do." 

"It's alright," Zayn says faintly, and he does feel slightly better with the numbness of alcohol. "I'm. It's ok. I'm fine." 

"No you're not," Harry says, and Zayn turns to glare at him. "You're not, Zayn. I know you're not. Just. Just get through tonight yeah, and then we'll talk about it," he bites his lip and Zayn sighs. 

"What else?" 

"You should let me tell the other boys -" 

"No," Zayn bites out, "No. With the mouth on Louis? Liam'll know by next week." 

"Zayn," Harry warns, "You don't believe that. Louis would never - " 

They hear the sound of the door opening though and with the laughter of Liam and Louis that drifts in, Harry cuts off, cups Zayn's face. 

"You're fine," he says, and then circles warm fingers around his wrist, "C'mon." 

And Zayn will always envy the way words pass silently between Harry and Louis because one moment, all he's got is Harry's hand wrapped tightly around his wrist and then Louis's taking him in, whispering a soft _love you man, good to see you_ into his skin and sticking his cold nose in Zayn's hair with a hum of content. And when Niall returns, kissing Liam smack on the forehead and then pulling the five of them in, Zayn feels something slide back into place, his bones slot back together again, his rib cage loosens, and he takes his first normal breath in weeks. He feels better already.

So when Liam pulls him aside after the madness of their welcome has subsided, a smile Zayn knows is only for him pressed into his neck, it's easy to wrap answering arms around his waist, let Liam breathe him in.

"Missed you," Liam says softly. They're the only ones left in the foyer and it's quiet, but he almost doesn't catch Liam's words, "Next time you're not allowed to stay behind, you have to come with us."

Zayn pulls away slightly to raise an eyebrow at him, warmth from his words translating into a small foolish smile.

"Next time," he tells him, " _You_ should stay back."

"What, and sleep away break with you?" Liam teases, and Zayn wills himself not to blush at the implication behind his words. "Actually," Liam tilts his head, "That sounds wonderful," he grins at Zayn and his eyes crinkle at the corners and he's so beautiful, is the thing.

"Hey, you two lovebirds, food - " Louis calls, grinning happily when he meets Zayn's gaze over Liam's shoulder. When Zayn turns back to Liam, he's blushing slightly but his smile hasn't diminished and his grip remains tight around Zayn's neck.

"C'mon," Zayn tugs at his shirt, "M'starved."

Liam opens his mouth to say something, and then shuts it again.

"What?" Zayn prods gently, poking him in the stomach, but Liam just shakes his head, leads the way into the kitchen. He pulls out two chairs, gestures for Zayn to take one, and then sidles his closer to lean his head on Zayn's shoulder.

Zayn shakes his head fondly and wraps an arm around him, smiling gratefully at Niall who moves to fill his plate so he doesn't have to disturb their sleepy bandmate.

"Not hungry?" Zayn asks softly. Liam shakes his head slightly, and then opens his mouth wide. Zayn chuckles, feeds Liam a piece of chicken with his fingers.

"You tired him out Lou," Zayn comments, looking up to find all three of their friends are watching their exchange with quiet, fond amusement. 

"Oh yes, Liam had a very tiring week," Louis perks up, a sparkle in his eye. 

"Louis - " Harry warns but Louis ignores him. 

"French men love our Payner did you know?"

Zayn nearly chokes on his food, dislodging Liam as he reaches desperately for his glass of water.  Harry's glaring at Louis, Niall can't stop laughing and Liam's entire face has gone red and he's looking worriedly at Zayn but fuck, Zayn needs. Zayn needs a moment.

"Fuck off Lou," Liam mumbles. He's still a bright tomato red, and he keeps shooting glances at Zayn that Zayn stubbornly will not return. The table falls silent and Liam twists his hands together, keeps his eyes firmly in his lap. 

"Did you learn something about yourself then," Harry asks kindly, diffusing the tension. Liam doesn't look up, but after a moment he clears his throat.

"I think so," he says hesitantly. "I mean. I don't know that I'm ready to use any like, labels or anything. But yeah. I did learn some stuff."

Zayn's heart makes a home in his throat in that moment, and he can't look at Liam, can't look at anyone. Harry lays a hand on his knee though, keeps a soothing, steady pressure, and Zayn manages to swallow. Because Liam is now single, and he likes boys, and Zayn. Zayn spent the past two years convincing himself that he'd never be able to have what he wanted and now - 

"I'm sorry Li," Louis's saying softly and Liam shakes his head, finally looks up.

"No, it's ok. It's. I wanted you all to know, of course I did. I just - " and he trails off and Zayn feels his gaze on him like a question, a plea, but Zayn can't look at him. Not yet. 

Niall, thankfully, changes the subject, asks Louis about Eleanor, and Zayn takes a deep breath, tries to slow down. Liam is. He's single and he likes boys and that means. Well, what does that mean? There are a lot of people who are single and a lot of them like boys and Liam could have any one of them. Why should he choose Zayn? He's spent a week fucking around with gorgeous French men and he sees Zayn like a brother, a kid brother. No, things will stay the same between them. 

Except that instead of a sober Liam staying in to skype Danielle, he'll have to watch a drunk Liam sleep his way through Europe. Fuck, he's starting to feel a little sick.

"I'm gonna use the toilet," he mutters to no one, stumbling out of his seat.

In the bathroom he splashes water on his face, clutches at the corner of the sink with strong hands for a minute before pulling out his phone.

_Liam spent a week in France fucking around with guys. Help._ he sends Perrie.

He gets a text back a minute later that reads

_What the fuck! Make a move! Use that smolder you know it gets me every time. ;) xx_

And then

_ok, maybe not just yet, but. This could be a good thing ok? And it could not be. I love you either way. And so does he._

Zayn sighs. She's right. No use going insane over something that hasn't even happened yet. He flushes the toilet, makes a promise to himself that he's not gonna let this make him crazy, and leaves the bathroom.

When he gets back the table's empty and Niall's clearing away dishes.

"You take a dump or what," he asks, shaking his butt at Zayn. Zayn wrinkles his nose.

"Fuck off," he says good-naturedly, helping him out. "The others?"

"FIFA, I think. Louis thinks he's gonna win tonight."

"Oh boy," Zayn grins.

"Go on, join them, I got this," Niall says, watching as Zayn yawns.

"Might head out actually, get one last good kip in my own bed," Zayn confesses.

"Yeah?" Niall asks, "Alright," he leans forward to kiss Zayn on the cheek. "Love you," he says, "See you bright and early tomorrow."

"Yeah yeah," Zayn smiles, "Love you bro."

The others have piled into Harry's living room, but Zayn hangs in the doorway, takes in the scene. They're on top of each other even though it's a huge couch, Harry's head pillowed in Louis's lap, and Liam nudging into Louis' other side. He's looking up at Louis, laughing at something Louis's saying and then his eyes scrunch up and he ducks his head with a giggle, and Louis brings him closer with a scratch under his chin. 

"He's a puppy," Niall says, coming up behind Zayn with hands around his waist and a chin on his shoulder, "You're in love with a fucking puppy." 

"Yeah," Zayn breathes out, and then he stiffens, turns around in Niall's arms, "Fuck. Niall - " 

"S'okay," Niall says softly, "I won't say anything, promise. I just. Got tired of pretending like I didn't know." 

"Harry told you?" Zayn says in resignation. Niall shakes his head. 

"Nah. Didn't know Haz knew." 

"But then how did you - " 

"Just did," Niall says softly, eyes searching his. Zayn flushes. 

"But he - " 

"Hasn't got a clue, as far as I know." 

"Thank fuck," Zayn mumbles and Niall laughs softly. Liam looks up at that moment. His eyes lock with Zayn's and he's mid-laugh but his expression softens to a quiet fondness, a question almost, and Zayn sags under the weight of it, Niall's strong arms keeping him steady. He smiles back as best he can with the butterflies in his stomach. Niall's warm hands help. 

"Gonna head home," he says, dry-mouthed. He clears his throat as Harry boos loudly. 

"He's just scared he's gonna have to play against me and lose," Louis teases, but his eyes are serious and Zayn smiles back at him. 

"Night guys, see you tomorrow, yeah?" 

"Yeah," chorus Louis and Harry. Liam doesn't say anything, but he gets up when Zayn disentangles himself from Niall, follows him to the foyer. 

"Can I come with you? Spend the night?" he asks quietly when they're alone again.

Zayn opens and closes his mouth.

"Um," he starts, completely caught off guard.

"I won't keep you up," Liam presses carefully. "I just. Miss you, you know?"

And Zayn knows, of course he does, because he's missed Liam something terrible, but. He can't help but wonder what exactly is going on. Why Liam didnt tell him the purpose of his trip in the first place, why he was the last to know.

He can't say no to Liam, though, can't refuse an opportunity to have him all to himself, in his bed -

He smiles at Liam.

"Course you can, sorry mate, I'm just tired is all. Missed you too, yeah?"

Liam brightens and fuck if that doesn't send Zayn's stomach to the floor. 

"Hold on, let me just say goodbye, I'll only be a sec."

"Thanks," he whispers when he gets back, tugging on his shoes and wrapping his jacket around him.

"Don't be stupid," Zayn chides warmly, wrapping himself around Liam comfortably. He swears he hears Liam exhale a breath of relief.

When they get to his place Zayn doesn't bother to turn on the lights, just makes his way to his bedroom, heavy footsteps following behind him.

"Want me to make a cuppa," Liam asks him, "For intruding and all."

"You couldn't intrude here, you practically _live_ here," Zayn tells him fondly, throwing him some sweats and a shirt.

"I'll stretch it out," Liam warns him playfully and Zayn laughs.

"Yeah yeah you tosser, go on, rub it in."

"You said it, not me," Liam defends with a laugh, holding his hands up in defense. 

"Yeah but, I've been going to the gym and all, yeah? So - " 

"Oh, don't worry, I've noticed, along with the rest of the world," Liam grins, waggling his eyebrows playfully. And Zayn blushes like he always does, but it's easy between them, banter they've always shared passed back and forth in familiar rhythms and all of a sudden, Zayn can't help himself, he needs to know.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he blurts out. "About - " 

"France," Liam finishes. He flushes lightly, ducks his head. "I wanted to," he says softly. 

"Then why didn't you?" and he hadn't realized how much it'd hurt to be left out, but now he feels it, hovering just below the surface. 

"It's stupid." 

"Tell me." 

"I just. I was embarrassed, alright?" 

Zayn stares at him. 

"I went through the exact same thing, years ago - " 

"Exactly. _Years_ ago, yeah? Only I'd be daft enough to have a crisis about my sexuality while in the spotlight of millions of people - " 

"Liam - " 

"No just. I know it's dumb, ok? I know it. But. You look at me and I feel like I can do anything in the world. I just. I didn't want that to change."

Zayn's eyes widen in surprise and Liam blushes harder but doesn't look away, determination set in his features, and Zayn can only tug him close by the wrist, wrap his arms around him tightly. He hears Liam's sharp intake of breath and then feels him relax against him, cautious at first and then all at once. 

"Sometimes I feel like I can't get through a single day without you," Liam mumbles softly and Zayn closes his eyes, wills his heart to stay put. 

"Nothing could ever change us, yeah? You're being silly," Zayn scolds gently. He pulls away slightly to put a hand to his neck, thumb down his jaw. "C'mon. You're just exhausted. Sleep?" 

"Here, right?" Liam asks hopefully.

"Here," Zayn reassures him with a playful role of his eyes, "If you're gonna cause such an intrusion I might as well get some cuddles out of it." 

"M'not an intrusion I live here," Liam informs him importantly and Zayn laughs. 

"Bed," he says firmly, "Before you make a fool of yourself and give me proper stories to talk about in interviews." 

Liam's eyes widen and then he makes a show of shutting his mouth tight, zipping up his lips. Zayn snorts.

"Good night Li," Zayn says, tugging him into bed and settling into his side. 

"Mmfff," is all he gets back.

\--

They're awoken to Perrie's shrill shouts, the sound of her heels clomping up the steps and the door as it's forced open. 

"You do realize you have to be on a bus in an hour - oh hey Liam," she says, seemingly not thrown by the sight of them in bed together. 

"Hey," Liam mumbles, eyes wide. "What're you doing here?" 

"Seeing as _you're_ the one I've just found in bed with my boy friend, I'll be asking the questions here," she says sternly and then she giggles. "Sorry. No, it's your last day here innit? I've got to be seen seeing you off. And I'm going to miss him dreadfully, isn't that right babes?" she's come round the side of the bed and she pinches his cheek fondly. 

"Perrie," Zayn whines. 

"No whining, c'mon now. Breakfast in fifteen yeah?" she makes to leave again, "Oh, Li, how do you want your eggs?" 

"You don't have to - " but he cuts off at the sight of Perrie's hands on her hips. "Anything's fine," he says meekly. 

"Alright, scrambled it is!" she says, "Oh, and I brought the leather jacket you asked for. You gonna take it on tour?" 

"Yes please," Zayn says, barely catching it when she tosses at him. 

"Fine, but then I get your camo jacket. 

"Deal. S'in the closet, help yourself." 

"I will," she softens, tickles him where his feet have stretched out of the blanket. "C'mon you," she says, "Time to get up. Five minutes, yeah?" 

"Yeah," Zayn agrees, smiling at her fondly, watching as she leaves the room. 

"Should have set my alarm last night," Liam mumbles blearily from beside him, rubbing his eyes with both hands. Zayn pulls his arms away. 

"Do you need anything from home?" 

"No, guess not," he grumbles, "But I should shower - " 

"Shower here. You do smell a bit fresh," Zayn teases. "Go on, you go first. I'll help Pez with brekkie." 

Downstairs, Perrie's in the kitchen and it's an all too familiar sight and Zayn realizes he's going to miss it terribly. He catches her with hands on her waist from behind and a kiss to her cheek. 

"Good morning," he says. 

"Yeah?" she asks him with an arched eyebrow. 

"No, shut up," Zayn says blushing, biting her shoulder. 

"Was just gonna say," she says, making a show of relief, "You work fast, bloody hell." 

"Shut up," Zayn whines again, turning her around forcefully so he can tickle her. She shrieks, tickles him back until they're both gasping for air. 

"Gonna miss you," she whispers, and he tugs her close with a hand behind her head. 

"Gonna miss you too," he says. "And the homemade breakfast," he adds cheekily. She swats at him, and he catches her hand, kisses her on the inside of her palm. 

"So," she says, "Has operation Woo Liam started at least?" 

"Perrie," Zayn groans, "It doesn't even exist. Not now, not ever." 

"You deserve this. You deserve to be happy, you know that right?" she says, suddenly serious, and Zayn laughs embarrassedly. 

"Perrie -" he says again, but Perrie remains frowning so he sighs, "You're being silly. It's not - I mean. If I deserve you then I deserve him, yeah?" 

She shrugs, a happy smile lighting up her face. 

"As long as you know," she says. "Then what's - " 

"He's just gotten out of a long relationship," he says, mostly because he's too embarrassed to say that Liam will probably never want him out loud, "He's trying to figure himself out. Let him mess around a bit, yeah? Have his fun. And then, if he's still, you know, available, then I'll sort it out." 

"I don't want you to have to watch him - shit. I just -" 

"I know," he says, smiling smally at her, "But it's. Fuck. It's gotta be enough right? This, him spending the night and wearing my clothes and calling me his favorite. I've got to make it be enough," he says a little desperately and Perrie throws her arms around him suddenly, presses a kiss into his neck. 

"It'll be enough," she tells him fiercely, "It will. And I am a phone call away," and Zayn's smile grows despite it all. He's got her and Harry and Niall and Louis and he's full up on love, really. He'll manage with Liam. He will. 

"I know Pez, I'll be fine. Promise." 

\--

Zayn and Louis are playing some mindless boxing game on the playstation when Liam comes bounding into the tour bus lounge, dressed to go out. He stands behind the couch and covers Zayn's eyes suddenly and Zayn yelps. 

"Lee-yum," he whines, "You're - " 

"Come out with us tonight," he says, cupping Zayn's face and turning it so Zayn can look up at him. "Please?" It's a question Zayn's gotten every night since they've been on tour and like every other night, he shakes his head. Hearing about Liam's conquests every other night is one thing, but Zayn doesn't think he can stomach watching him in action. 

"Can't," he replies, adopting a monotone drone, "Management says I've got to stay in because _I'm_ a dirty cheater."

"Management can go fuck themselves," Liam mutters. 

"Language!" Harry admonishes sternly, swatting Liam on the behind as he comes in and tumbling over the top of the couch to rest his feet on Zayn's lap. "Anyway, how come you're not begging _me_ to come out with you? Only Zayn?" 

"Zayn's my favorite," Liam says, easy and automatic, "But fine, Harry come out with us. If you do, Zayn'll be more likely to come, too." 

Harry can't even pretend to be insulted, he just throws his head back and laughs, his feet kicking up to poke at Zayn's cheek. 

"Oh Liam," Harry wheezes, "You've a one track mind, has anyone ever told you." 

"Yes," Liam says, he taps on Zayn's cheeks with both hands. "Get up, get up, get up," he whines. 

"Alright," Zayn huffs, "I'm getting up," he shoves Harry's feet off and stands and Liam's eyes widen. 

"Wait, really?" 

"Only to smoke a fag," Zayn tells him, eyes sparkling teasingly. 

"Whatta cocktease," grins Louis, shifting to take Zayn's place on the couch and move Harry's feet into his lap. Zayn shrugs innocently, tucks a cig behind his ear and grabs his lighter. 

"C'mon then," he beckons to Liam, "Keep me company." 

"Ok," Liam says, brightening. He's unable to hide his surprise at Zayn's offer and Zayn feels a wave of guilt so he wraps a hand around Liam's wrist, tugs him out. 

"M'gonna put on some trousers, I'll be right out," Louis calls and Liam nods distractedly at him. 

Outside, it's a bit nippy and Zayn almost wishes he brought a jacket, but he's too lazy to go back now. The wind's blowing fairly strong, causing the grass lot they've parked next to to ripple under the clear sky and Zayn hums a foreign melody, content. 

He struggles to light his cig until Liam adds his hands around the lighter to protect the flame and he can take a grateful inhale. 

"Thanks," he says, pocketing his lighter. Liam nods at him, watching the cig where it dangles carelessly between Zayn's lips. "Don't stand downwind," Zayn scolds, "You'll get smoke in your face."

"I'll stand where I want to stand," Liam says defiantly even as he shifts to move closer to Zayn, and Zayn rolls his eyes. "Only one, okay?" he says sternly. Zayn smiles. 

"Yessir," he says, giving him a mock salute. Liam grins. 

"It was a good show tonight yeah?" 

Zayn lets smoke out the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah, course it was. You were brilliant." 

"So were you," Liam reminds him, "Mister Zayn "Riffy" Malik," he teases. 

"Don't, god," Zayn whines, "You're so embarrassing." 

"Sorry not sorry," Liam says seriously, "Talent like yours deserves to be praised." 

Zayn blushes and Liam hooks his fingers in Zayn's belt to pull him off the bus and closer to the warmth of him. 

"You're amazing," Liam says quietly, "And if you blush this hard every time I say it, I'll say it all the time," he declares, smiling soft and fond. 

"Thanks," Zayn mumbles, and their proximity does nothing for the color in his cheeks except to maybe reroute some blood to his dick. He shoves at Liam gently, tries to keep it playful so he can have his space back again without letting on, but Liam's face shifts into something more guarded anyway, and he studies Zayn, opens his mouth to say something. 

Zayn's bracing himself but before Liam can get a word in Louis's coming off the bus. 

"You ready, Li?" he calls.

"Be right there," Liam calls back, looking disappointed, "You sure?" he asks Zayn. His smile's back but it's cautious. Zayn nods, biting at the inside of his cheek.

"I'm sure," Zayn says firmly, "Next time." Liam shakes his head. He knows as well as Zayn that Zayn's lying. "Be safe yeah?" 

Liam imitates his salute from earlier, expression grim. 

When he's gone Zayn allows himself a moment to slump against the bus frame, drained. That's how he feels really, all the time. Physically exhausted and mentally drained, because now he's always on guard isn't he? Has to keep up a defense against every show of affection and crinkly-eyed smile because otherwise he's afraid he'll give something away. Something that stays at the tip of Zayn's tongue, at the ends of his fingertips. Something that Liam teases every time he presses close to Zayn, steals Zayn's clothes for the smell of them, or looks for Zayn on stage, knees knocking, voices running together.

He has so much more of Liam now, is the thing. Liam's single, he's messing around with guys, and he stays close to Zayn more than ever. Problem is, Zayn didn't realize that the more he gets to keep of Liam the worse it gets. The more he has, the more he realizes it's _not_ enough. It's not enough and it won't be enough until Zayn can taste the heat of Liam's mouth and feel the press of their hips lined up. 

So, Liam moves forward and Zayn takes a step back. 

It's self-preservation, really. 

He's about to light another cig when Niall sticks his head out the window. 

"Only one, remember?" he calls, ignoring Zayn's answering groan. "Come on, Zayn, watch me kick Harry's ass at FIFA." 

Zayn sighs, goes back inside. 

"Alright?" Harry says softly and he's got that _look_ on his face but Zayn rolls his eyes against it. 

"Don't give me that, m'still not gonna go easy on you," he says, gesturing at their TV. Harry rolls his eyes. 

"Oh, it's _on_ Malik."

\--

Liam's coming towards him with a look of silly determination as he sings into his mic and Zayn braces himself for the tightening in his chest at the affection, tries to control his face as Liam sits down next to him, wraps a solid arm around him. 

_I wanna be beside you, I cannot hide this_ Liam sings to him and fuck, that's way too ironic for Zayn not to sing along. He tries to be playful but his voice catches on _even though I try_ and there's a flicker of self-deprecation that he's not sure he manages to tuck away. 

"I love you babes," Liam whispers into his mic and Zayn's heart bottoms out and it's not fair because what was once a tease is now bordering on torture and there's no way for Zayn to lessen the way Liam carves a piece of him with every smile and touch and breath.

He laughs, because that's literally the only thing he can do in front of thousands of fans and then he's turning away, making space between their bodies and anchoring himself almost desperately in Harry's gaze. 

After a moment, Liam takes the hint, releases Zayn, and Zayn tries to breathe again, chants his mantras back to himself as a reminder that this is an _act_ , a performance. Pretend. That Liam can't give him what he wants because he doesn't want what Zayn wants. 

Doesn't want Zayn. 

\--

"Zayn?" Liam whispers softly, bringing him back from the brink of sleep. Zayn forces his eyes open. 

"Li?" he asks groggily, voice cracking. Liam's standing on the lowest rung of their ladder, peering into Zayn's bunk. "S'up?"

"Can't sleep," Liam confesses, biting his lip. Under the soft light he looks forlorn, shirtless and barefoot with hair that sticks up everywhere. Zayn swallows. 

"There's no way two of us can fit in here anymore. You're gigantic," he informs him. Liam's face goes carefully blank, but not before Zayn catches the hurt in his eyes. He flinches inwardly, "Sorry," he mumbles, instantly apologetic, "we could - " 

"No, s'okay," Liam cuts him off, "Forget it." 

He's gone before Zayn can protest, and Zayn doesn't call him back. 

\--

"Best looking member?" 

"Liam Payne," Louis answers promptly. The interviewer laughs delightedly. 

"How do you feel about that?" she asks him. Liam shrugs, ducks his head.

"Can't be true," he mumbles, "I'm gigantic." 

Zayn winces, digs his nails into his palms as Niall throws an arm around Liam's shoulders, kisses Liam on the side of the head.

\--

_Li was on fire tonight, idk how i managed to keep my hands off him,_ He's lying on the couch, texting Perrie after a particularly difficult show, in which Liam was giving it his one hundred percent, and Zayn was trying not drool. 

_HAH did he where that black shirt that's cut off around the sleeves cus that's my fav xx_ is Perrie's response and Zayn can't help but laugh out loud at the irony that his life has become. 

"What's so funny," Liam demands, and Zayn tucks his phone away. 

"Nothing, telling Perrie about the show," he tells Liam, eyeing him guardedly. He's wearing jeans that are tight and a shirt that's tighter and this is a Liam that Zayn generally tends to avoid, but he makes to shift so Liam can sit. 

Liam straddles him instead and Zayn blinks up at him, defenses up instinctively.

"What's up?" he asks cautiously.

"Come out with us tonight," Liam demands, more forceful than usual. "Please? You used to go out all the time with Harry and Louis and now - You haven't gone out with me yet." 

"Liam, you know I - " 

"Louis goes out! Even with Eleanor, he goes out. You two can keep each other company." 

"Liam - " 

"Please?" Liam says, voice gone soft. "Want to - We're in _Barcelona_ , Zayn. It's. I never thought I'd ever get to come here and I. I want to go out with you." 

And he's wriggling impatiently in Zayn's lap and that could get dangerous in about thirty seconds so Zayn relents. 

"Ok, ok, but get off me you big git," he says, shifting under Liam. 

"Promise?" Liam asks cautiously, unmoving. 

"Yeah, yes. I promise, Li," Zayn says, swallowing his desperation, and fuck, he really really needs Liam to get off. 

Luckily, Liam moves in that moment and Zayn breathes out, adjusts himself as discreetly as he can. 

"C'mon," Liam says, and he's beaming at Zayn delightedly and Zayn has to duck his head against the intensity of it, "Get dressed, we're leaving in fifteen." 

"Why's this so important to you?" Zayn demands of him, stalling. Liam shrugs, suddenly embarrassed. 

"We're getting to travel the world and I want to experience as much of it as I possibly can and there isn't anyone in the world I'd rather do that with than you," Liam confesses a little breathlessly and Zayn can't look at him, can't possibly meet eyes that are probably _beautiful_ with an emotion that is too much and not enough all at once. "Zayn?" Liam asks hesitantly, when Zayn stays silent, "I. Is that okay?" 

"Yeah," Zayn chokes out, looking at a point somewhere behind Liam's left ear. "Yeah. That's. Yeah. I'll just. I'll go get ready, yeah?" And he feels himself crumble a little more under the unfairness of it all. 

Liam sort of nods at him, backs away so Zayn can get up and then they're both shoulder to shoulder and Zayn sneaks a glance up at Liam's face and he wants to die. Because Liam looks. He looks sad and disappointed and anxious and Zayn made him that way and he can't. He can't leave things like this. 

"Me and you," he tells Liam, summoning the courage to look him straight in the eye. "It was me and you from the start and now it's me and you traveling the world and that's. That's all I want too, okay?" 

And Liam smiles one of the most beautiful smiles Zayn has ever seen and it's worth it, even through the wave of despair you get from wanting something you can never have. It's worth it. 

\--

"Can I buy you a drink?" Liam whispers into Zayn's ear. The music is loud and the place is packed and Liam's hands are pressed into Zayn's skin where his shirt rides up and Zayn is probably the stupidest person on this planet. 

He manages a nod and Liam signals over the bartender, pressing a shot into his hand a moment later. Zayn downs it quickly, wincing against a burn that's almost foreign now. 

"Hey," Louis comes towards them, beckons with a hand over the crowd, "This way, got us a table." 

They're put in the VIP section, which they have to climb tall narrow stairs to get to and when they reach their booth they find themselves looking out over the entire club. 

"Wicked, right?" Liam grins and he's still talking close into Zayn's ear, even though it's much quieter up here. "Another shot?" 

"Do one with Louis," Zayn tells him, smiling despite everything at how excited Liam is about the whole thing. "Gonna ease myself back into it." 

Louis and Liam end up doing four more shots and Zayn ends up with a pretty plastered Liam tugging determinedly at his shirt. 

"C'mon, dance with me," he murmurs and fuck, at one point Zayn probably had a few ounces of good sense, but now. He follows Liam down the stairs and into the crowd until Liam spins him around, presses their bodies together and slots his hands around Zayn's waist. They grind slow to the pulse of the music and Zayn can't help it, he sneaks an arm behind Liam's head to hook around his neck, keep their bodies close and Liam hums, drops his face into the crook of Zayn's neck and with the first feeling of his lips to Zayn's skin Zayn is suddenly, achingly hard. 

"Fuck," he grits out. Fuck fuck fuck. He pulls away, turns around. "Gonna - " he gestures up to where they'd left Louis and Liam's eyes go wide with surprise and then something in them hardens and he spins around, goes off in the opposite direction. 

Zayn can't help but follow, bewildered. Liam's headed to the bathroom and the corridor is decidedly quieter but Liam still doesn't turn when Zayn shouts his name, so Zayn makes a grab for him, fingers snagging at his wrist. 

"Liam? What's. What's up with you?" 

Liam turns towards Zayn and Zayn can tell he's angry and hurt and drunk and Zayn takes a step back. 

"What's up with _you_?" he snaps. "You've been walking on egg shells around me ever since I. Ever since France. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you treating me so fucking _carefully_ ," he spits out the word, "What is it Zayn?Are you really _that_ afraid I'll fall for you?" something inside him shifts and now he's just _hurt_ and Zayn takes another step back, "Is the idea of it really that repulsive to you?" he asks quietly. 

Zayn opens and closes his mouth. That was. Zayn is at a _loss_ because. That's not what he had expected and Liam's eyes narrow in his silence.

"Oh, _wow_ , okay. Fuck you Zayn," Liam bites out, pushing past him and disappearing into the crowd. Zayn just stands there for a second, trying to gather his thoughts together. That. _What?_ He doesn't think he's heard anything so backwards in his life. 

He makes his way back to Louis because there's no way he'll be able to find Liam in the dance floor now and he can't just leave, not like this.

When he climbs the stairs, Louis's scanning the dance floor, but he turns when Zayn makes his way over. 

"Alright?" he asks, and it's a loaded question and Zayn sighs. 

"Dunno," he mumbles truthfully. 

"Yeah," Louis says. "Was surprised when you agreed to come out in the first place." 

"I'm not that lame yet," Zayn tries, pretending like he doesn't already know where it was going. 

"Didn't think you were," Louis says, "Just never really figured you for a masochist." 

And there it is. 

"Was it Harry or Niall?" Zayn asks, arms crossed. Louis stares at him for a second and then he bursts out laughing. 

"Sorry, sorry fuck. I just. Oh my god, this band. We are. _I_ can't even believe us sometimes," he wheezes out and Zayn groans. 

"Fuck, am I really that obvious?" 

Louis sobers. 

"Do you really want to know?" he counters, more kind than teasing. Zayn shakes his head miserably. 

"Fuck." 

"Love you," Louis whispers. Zayn shivers. 

"I hurt him tonight," Zayn confesses. "He thinks," Zayn lets out a hollow laugh, "He thinks I'm disgusted by the fact that _he_ might like _me_." 

"Christ," Louis mutters sympathetically. "That's some fucked up irony. What're you gonna do?" 

Zayn tilts his head, considers his options. 

"Set him straight without actually setting him straight?" and it sounds even more hopeless out loud. Louis squeezes him tighter. 

"You'll manage. You're Zayn and Liam. You've never quite made sense to the rest of us but you've always managed."

"Thanks," Zayn says drily, and Louis laughs, kisses Zayn on the forehead. Zayn shuts his eyes against the gesture, offers Louis a pained smile, He feels a wave of gratefulness when Louis accepts it without question. They look out onto the dance floor in silence for a moment, scanning for Liam, until Louis draws a breath. 

"Fuck, he's um. Zayn -" Louis trails off and Zayn follows his gaze to a corner of the dance floor where Liam's got his arms around another boy, is trailing kisses into his neck with lips that had pressed heat into Zayn's skin just moments ago. Zayn grimaces against the punch to his gut. He expected this. This is. He turns away from it, wraps his own arms tight around himself. "Hey," Louis says gently, pressing a kiss to his shoulder, "You and I could dance, make him jealous - " 

Zayn lets out a hollow laugh. 

"He wouldn't _be_ jealous, Lou, that's the point," and Louis pulls him into a proper hug, holding him close. 

"He's pretty possessive of you, you know," Louis murmurs thoughtfully. Zayn chokes back a sob. 

"I'm not who he wants. He'd. Fuck. He'd rather sleep with half of Europe than be with me." 

"Maybe he doesn't know you're a choice," Louis says quietly. 

"Yeah well, then he's an idiot," Zayn mutters and Louis throws his head back and laughs and Zayn looks up at him. "What?" he grumbles out. 

"This is _Liam_ we're talking about. He _is_ an idiot, Zayn. Kid thought comedic wasn't a word, for chrissakes."

Zayn cracks a reluctant smile. 

" _You_ thought comedic wasn't a word," Zayn reminds him and Louis roughs up his hair. 

"Details," he waves a hand, "Listen. I love you," he tells him again, "I know it's not enough but - " 

"It's enough, Lou," Zayn cuts him off, overcome with how desperately he wants it to be true. He tightens his arms around the other boy. "It _is_." 

"He's leaving," Louis says after a moment, pointing over Zayn's shoulder towards the far left of the room where Liam's heading for the door, the same boy wrapped around him. 

The club's staff are redirecting Liam to what's probably a back exit and in that split second Zayn makes up his mind. 

"Hold on," he says, disentangling himself from Louis, "I'm - " 

He runs down the stairs and out to where he knows Liam is, hoping to catch them in time - 

But Liam is pushing open the door to the club with an arm around the other boy and the boy's tongue in his ear and Zayn follows, hot at his heels. 

"Liam - " he calls out but suddenly he's being blinded by camera lights and photographers are shouting questions and Zayn can only watch as Liam pales, face frozen in absolute horror. 

"Liam Payne have you been gay this whole time?" shouts out a reporter over the din, and the nasty tone of his voice snaps Zayn out of it and he snarls, hands clenched tight in fists. 

They say moments of crisis happen in slow motion, but for Zayn, everything happens at lightening speed. One moment, he's in the background, watching the reporters spew out questions and Liam's panic grow, and the next he's grabbing the boy's hand, tugging him away from Liam. 

"He's with me," Zayn says, and then again, louder, "He's with me. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want Perrie to find out but. He's. He's with me." And a few cameras are going off but mostly everyone's just looking at him, as if unsure of whether to believe him or not so he does the only thing he can think of, he tugs the boy's head down and captures his lips in a kiss, dramatic and long and horrible and when it's done he pushes roughly through the crowd of papparazi, hand still clutching firmly at the stranger's, stopping only when they reach their car. 

"Get in," he orders the boy, and the boy looks wide-eyed at him but obeys and when they're both in, Zayn slams the door shut against any reporters "Drive," he begs their driver, "Please Matt, get us out of here." 

Matt nods, meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror apologetically and Zayn nods his thanks at the sentiment. When they're moving he turns to the boy sitting next to him. 

"I'm so sorry," he says, and there's no feeling behind his words, no feeling in him at all. Just a numbness and a ringing in his ears and. Fuck. What did he just do? "I'm. That wasn't supposed to happen, I - " 

"Hey," the boy says, and Zayn closes his eyes against the kindness there because otherwise he thinks he'll be sick, "It's ok. It's fine. You're fine." 

"Can I. Can I drop you off somewhere?"

"No just. As soon as we lose the reporters you can drop me off on a corner. My place is close by, we were gonna walk." 

"Oh," and Zayn's stomach clenches, "Sorry," he manages. 

"Don't be. At least I got a good kiss out of it," he winks and Zayn smiles thinly at him. "Here's fine," he tells the driver. "Good luck," he says softly, and then he's gone.

\--

When Zayn gets back to the tour bus his four boys are waiting for him, pale-faced and anxious

"Where have you been - " 

"Zayn - " 

but Zayn ignores them, walks straight past them and into the bathroom. He slams the door shut and sinks to the floor, brings his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them and fuck, fuck, fuck, what did he _do_? He got papped kissing a boy. He got papped kissing a boy when he's supposed to be in a relationship with a girl and - 

Oh fuck.

Perrie. 

He reaches for his phone with trembling fingers, only barely manages to key in her number. 

She answers almost instantly, though Zayn has no idea what time it is where she is. 

"Perrie," is all he manages, voice cracking through his anguish. 

"Zayn, hey, it's alright. It's. It's ok - " 

"No, it's not. Pez, I - "

"It's ok," she says and she sounds a lot like she's trying really hard to be brave, "Liam called. He told me what happened." 

Zayn lets her words sink in, thanks god for Liam's foresight, thanks god for Liam, really. 

"I'm so sorry, Perrie, I didn't know what else to do - " 

"Oh babe, I know. We'll manage yeah? We'll fix this, whatever it is. We will." 

"Throw me under the bus yeah? Call me a cheater. Don't. Don't let it fall back on you. Promise me." 

"Zayn - "

"Promise me." 

He hears her sigh. 

"Promise," she whispers. 

"I should go," he says, and he's scared, he realizes. Scared to face the others because - Fuck. This could ruin them, couldn't it? 

"I love - " she starts, but he cuts her off. 

"Don't," he says. "Just. Don't." 

\--

Liam's on his feet almost as soon as Zayn finally manages to make it out of the bathroom and his eyes lock on Zayn's, trapping him with an expression that Zayn can't read and he can't look away, can't form words, can't even breathe, and apparently neither can Liam, but it doesn't matter because the rest of the band is there suddenly, rushing in to fill in the blanks like they always do. 

"Alright?" Harry asks him, taking Zayn's hand and interlacing their fingers. And Zayn can't look away from Liam but he squeezes Harry's hand back. 

"I'm. I'm fine. I'll be fine," he says softly, and it's Niall this time who reaches out to Liam, reassures him with hands on his waist in a way that Zayn can't manage. Not yet. "I'm sorry," he croaks out. 

" _Zayn_ \- " Liam whispers, and his voice is _wrecked_ and he doesn't continue and Louis picks up where he leaves off, resting warm hands on their shoulders. 

"Don't be sorry," he says fiercely, "Don't ever be sorry. It's. We're _here_ Zayn, ok? We're. We're not gonna leave your side." 

And Zayn could cry with the relief he feels at Louis's words but instead he grips Harry's hand tighter, smiles a strained smile. 

"Zayn," Harry speaks up timidly after a moment, "Management called. They. They want to speak with you." 

Finally, Zayn breaks eye contact with Liam, turning to Harry who's holding out a phone for him. His stomach turns. 

"We can stay, if you like," he whispers but Zayn's already shaking his head. 

"No, I - Please," Zayn can't. He's fucking terrified of what management's gonna say and he doesn't want them to know, can't let them see. 

They nod and Niall turns Liam gently, leads them out of the room and Zayn doesn't move until the door's been closed quietly behind them and then he clambers into his bunk and with shaky fingers, dials Management. 

"Hello?" the girl's voice is young and soft and kind and Zayn can already feel tears prickling at the back of his eyelids. 

"Hi," he whispers. "It's. This is Zayn." 

"Oh," she breathes out and Zayn closes his eyes, wraps a tight fist in the blankets, tries to maintain some semblance of control. "You've. You've had a long night, so I'll keep this brief, okay? I've been told to instruct you not to speak to anyone, not to call anyone, not to leave the bus. You're not to use any social media platforms or talk to any reporters. Do you understand?" 

"Yeah," Zayn responds hoarsely. 

"Have you made any calls tonight other than to your four bandmates?" 

"Just - just Perrie." 

"Okay, well, don't call her again, Zayn, okay?" 

"Okay," he mumbles. 

"Did you get a name off the boy?" 

"I - no," Zayn says. 

"Any description that you think might be helpful?" she prompts.

"He was. He lived nearby the club? And he. He spoke English," Zayn adds, realizing that was probably significant in Barcelona. 

"Okay," she says, "Thanks for your help Zayn. And did you have. Did your family know?" she asks him softly, and Zayn feels the blood drain from his face. He shudders. Fuck. 

"No, no they didn't, I - " 

She waits patiently for a moment and when he doesn't continue, she does.

"Did you have a message you'd like for us to pass on to them? Before they hear it from the media?" 

"No," Zayn whispers, "No, please. Don't - Don't tell them anything. They. They don't follow our news, I've told them not to. They won't hear about it. They can't. Please," he begs her. 

"Zayn," she says, and her voice is impossibly gentle, "This is. I'm sorry Zayn, this is huge. It's going to. It's going to blow up and, they'll have to be instructed not to say anything to the press, to try and make sure your friends don't say anything either and, oh god, I'm so sorry, Zayn. They're going to hear about it."

Zayn can feel tears running down his face but he does nothing to stop them, just listens in horror as the truth sinks in. This time tomorrow his entire family, his entire _world_ is going to find out the truth about him. Is going to find out that he's a gay, that he's a cheater, that he. He chokes back a sob, tries to force the thoughts away but they crawl back in undeterred. 

His father is going to kill him. He's going to. He's going to disown him, not let him back into the house. He'll never speak to him again. Fuck. He's fucked. 

"Is that all?" he manages, voice choked with tears. 

"Yes, it is. I'm so sorry Zayn," she says. 

He hangs up without another word, curling in on himself and biting down hard on his lip to keep himself from sobbing. He's. It's fine. He's going to be fine. 

He hears the rest of the boys filter in eventually, closing his eyes and evening out his breathing so they'll think he's asleep, hands clutched tightly in his duvet. 

Sleep doesn't come though and Zayn is forced to lay in bed with his thoughts. It's funny. Things that are supposed to be _life changing_ feel sometimes like they hardly change anything at all. For all their fame he still feels ordinary. For all they've travelled, he'll only call his mum's house home.

For all that has happened today - 

For all that has happened today, he still wants what he always wants. To be able to curl up with Liam in his own bed, watch movies until they fall asleep, wake up sweaty and warm and safe like they always do. He thinks back with a sick feeling to the words Liam threw at him, wonders if Liam's still angry at him, if he's still hurt by what Zayn did - 

When he can stand it no longer he gets quietly out of bed, selfishness driving him to Liam's bunk. It's empty, though, still made up, and Zayn furrows his brow, runs a hand over his cold sheets, and then follows the fraction of light to the lounge. 

Liam's there, curled up on the couch with a pillow in his lap, eyes open and staring listlessly into space. 

"Li -?" he asks, clearing his throat against the roughness. Liam jumps slightly.

"Zayn, fuck. What're you - . I mean. Shit. I can go, if you want?" He makes to get up but Zayn shakes his head. 

"No, don't, I was. Was looking for you," he confesses, "Couldn't sleep." 

Liam stares up at him for a moment before nodding hesitantly, shifting slightly to make room for him on the couch. Zayn sits, making a conscious decision to keep a space between them and. It feels fucking weird. He looks up to find Liam's watching him with a pained expression and Zayn knows he feels it too. 

"Zayn - " Liam breathes out and his voice is low and pleading and for some inexplicable reason Zayn thinks about all the different ways Liam can say his name, through laughter and tears and with warmth and anger and each time, it chips away at Zayn, until Zayn is only brittle bones and blood that spills hot for him. 

He tugs Liam to him with a mumbled _come here_ and an unsaid _where you belong_ and Liam fists a hand in his thin tee, holds on tight. 

He's trembling. He's trembling in Zayn's arms and Zayn feels a rush of fear. 

"Li? Liam what's wrong?" but Liam just shakes his head. "Please tell me what's wrong," he whispers. "If this is about - I'm fine, Liam. I'm okay. It's going to be okay - " 

"It's not," Liam says brokenly, "it's not okay. It's. I was a coward today, and I let you take the fall for me Zayn and I never should have let you do that and you're going to hate me when this is all over - " 

"I could never," Zayn breathes out but Liam ignores him. 

"You're going to hate me for all the shit I'll have put you through and I can't - " his voice breaks around a sob, "I can't have you hating me, Zayn. I _can't_. I couldn't do a single day without you I'd -" 

"Shut up," Zayn says fiercely, and Liam falls silent abruptly, looking up at him with wide eyes, "I'm not going anywhere, Liam, I promise you. Whatever this is, whatever it's going to turn into, I can handle it, okay? I promise. I'll be fine. _We'll_ be fine. I promise you, okay?" 

"I'm so sorry, Zayn - " but Zayn shakes his head, presses his face into Liam's hair to breathe him in and he feels Liam's grip tighten almost desperately and it's only like this can he finally find sleep, tucked away in the rise of Liam's chest and the flutter of his eyelids closed and the lines of his brow smoothing out. 

\--

He loses half a million followers overnight. 

\--

It's disgusting how many hours he spends holed up, reading through his mentions. Every time he looks there's a new reason to hate him. Assholes hate him for being gay, Little Mixers hate him for cheating on Perrie, Muslims hate him for losing Allah, even the lgbtq community picks on him for lying about himself and breaking someone else's heart in the process. Celebrities say I told you so, nasty articles show up in The Sun and on Sugarscape, and he even gets a fair amount of death threats.

And through it all, he keeps his newest mantra going, wraps his emotions tightly around him, makes himself small that he can't feel anything but a blank buzzing, has only enough energy to manage a tight-lipped smile and a forced cheer. 

Liam needs him to be strong, so he'll be strong. 

Or he'll bloody well try. 

And maybe it's because he's gotten damn good at pretend, or maybe it's because no one can quite look him in the eye, but it seems to pass, for awhile. 

\--

Niall and Liam stumble in when Zayn's scrolling through tumblr, unconsciously comparing the amount of hate to the amount of support. It's a losing battle. 

They approach slowly but Zayn sends them a disarming smile. 

"It's great isn't it? How many people are thanking me for coming out? Feel like a role model," he says, the strain in his voice only slightly audible. Liam and Niall look at him nervously, but Zayn shuts his laptop with a snap, pulls Niall down for a cuddle. 

"What's for lunch," he asks, and over Niall's shoulder he can see a small amount of tension leave Liam's body and he sighs in satisfaction. 

\--

It's Louis that notices the tremor in his hands. He can't go outside to smoke because outside there are fans with signs of hate and disgust and anger painted on them and Zayn just doesn't know how to deal with that so he sits inside and deals with the withdrawal instead.

"Alright?" Louis asks him, and his gaze is calculating and Zayn feels naked underneath it. He clenches his hands into fists to stop the shaking. 

"Yeah," he croaks out. 

"You need a cigarette," Louis says when it dawns on him, eyes widening. "Zayn, _go_ , it's alright. You've got it down to a manageable level, we're all so proud of you just. Smoke one. Take it slow - " 

"I can't," Zayn mutters, tips of his ears turning red, "Management'll probably go berserk with the photos that show up on the internet and I don't think I can afford to piss them off anymore," he lies. Because he doesn't give a shit about management, honestly, but the thought of going out there, listening to fans scream horrible things at him, is something he's not sure he'll be able to handle. 

"I'll go with you," Louis says, softening, and Zayn wonders how much he sees through the lie, "C'mon." 

Zayn sighs. The offer's too temping to refuse - 

"Fine, but you've got to promise you won't say anything or do anything, no matter what. Promise?" 

Louis eyes him curiously, but nods. 

"Promise." 

When they step outside there's an immediate buzz of activity. Posters go up, people stomp their feet and Zayn swears he hears an actual growl permeate the crowd. 

He lights his cigarette. Inhales. 

"We don't want the cheater we want the _true_ members of one direction," someone snarls, and Louis's hands clench into fists. He's gone pale and dangerous looking and Zayn kicks at him. 

"Not a word," he mutters out of the corner of his mouth. 

"I love you Zayn Malik," someone else shouts, and there's a loud booing noise that follows. 

"Anyone who's a fan of Zayn doesn't deserve to _live_ ," someone answers nastily. Louis's eyes narrow. 

"Lou," Zayn mumbles, "Lou, c'mon, you promised." 

"They're wankers," Louis mutters, "All of them, I swear to god - " 

"Yeah, yeah," Zayn says, putting out his half smoked cig and grabbing Louis' elbow. "Back on the bus." 

"What the fuck," Louis growls when they're back safely within the confines of the bus, "Zayn, fuckssake - " 

"What's up?" Liam interrupts, studying Zayn. 

Zayn shrugs, throws Liam a smile. 

"Nothing. C'mon, Lou, relax. It's a good thing. Means people are loyally in support of Little Mix. Means our dating's done its job, yeah?" 

He looks away from their dumbfounded faces. 

"Gonna shower," he says finally, "Heat's gross." 

Only under the spray does he allow himself to pound the wall in frustration, feel the pain like a weight in his belly. 

\--

"Have you talked to him yet?" Harry asks, urgent and hushed. They're assuming he's asleep, which, before this was probably true, but now he's hardly slept since that night with Liam on the couch so - 

"Not really, I - " 

" _Liam_ ," Louis scolds and Zayn bites his lip, keeps his eyes closed. 

"He's fine - " 

"Listen, if you want one of us to do it, that's fine," Niall says gently, "We can - " 

"He's fine, Niall," Liam insists defiantly, "He's. He says he's handling it. If he wasn't, he'd tell me."

"Alright," and Zayn can almost picture the way Louis holds up his hands in concession, "Alright, we trust you Li, you know him best."

"No he doesn't," Harry mutters, and then he cries out in pain, " _Ow_ Lou, what was that for - " 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Liam asks him and there's an edge to his voice, and Zayn swallows, tries to keep his breathing even. 

"Nothing," Harry mutters darkly. 

"Haz - " Louis warns. 

"Nothing Liam," Harry says again, making a solid attempt to be slightly less of an arse this time, "S'just, you know. You've been a bit carried away with your different boy a night thing, yeah? So - " 

"So nothing," Liam says frostily, "He's still - " 

"Your favorite, yeah we know," Niall says warmly and he's attempting to diffuse the tension and they let him, and Zayn lets out a quiet breath of relief. 

\--

He's in the bathroom when he gets the call. He's examining his face in the mirror, pressing fingers against the bags under his eyes and the hollows in his cheekbones when his phone blasts out an old Bollywood tune. His heart sinks. 

It's his sister, when he answers, and she's whispering. 

"Zayn, s'me, Doniya," she starts. 

"Hey," he manages, "Everything alright?" 

"No Zee," she says hurriedly, " _Baba_ 's furious. You've got to -. Fuck he's going to call you okay? I just wanted to warn you but - " 

"I'm sorry," Zayn mumbles against the fear that's holding his lungs hostage, "Doniya I - " 

"Don't. Don't apologize yeah? It's alright. I mean. It's not, but. You're. You're alright. Okay?" 

He clutches his phone tightly, desperately. 

"Thanks," he croaks out. 

"Yeah," she says again, and they've never been good at telling each other how they feel, the two of them, but Zayn feels a flood of hot relief regardless. "Danny and Ant are here," she says suddenly, "Trying to calm him down." 

Zayn swallows. He hasn't talked to either of them, but he's sure they've always known. They've teased him about Liam as well. Carefully, kindly, as if testing the waters, trying to get a feel for Zayn's true feelings. He's grateful for them, he always is. But tonight, especially so. 

"I've got to go, Zayn. Just. Be ready," she hangs up and Zayn takes a deep breath, sinks slowly to the bathroom floor. 

He's been spending a lot of time on bathroom floors, he realizes. 

\--

He doesn't cry when it's all over. He doesn't do anything. Just sits there for what feels like hours, the echo of _You are not allowed back into this house, you are never to speak to this family again, you keep your filthiness away from this God loving household_ on a loop, loud and angry behind his eyes. 

Eventually he gets up, marches out with a smile plastered on his face. He shrugs at the silent question Liam's throwing him. 

"Sorry, Doniya called. Wanted to tell me how proud she was for coming out." 

"Oh that's brilliant, Zayn, good on you," Niall grins happily at him and Zayn carefully ignores the skeptical look Harry's shooting his way in favor of smiling back at Niall. Liam comes and swings an arm around him and Zayn leans into it. 

"Proud of you," Liam mumbles and Zayn flushes slightly. 

"Thanks. Feels good," he lies through his teeth, looking up at the other boy. 

\--

The most frustrating thing about it is that he doesn't even know what sets him off. One moment he's scrolling through the headlines of The Times (perspective, it helps a bit) and the next moment his body's betraying him. A wave of exhaustion overtakes him so fast he almost chokes on the first sob, doesn't realizes he's trembling until he sees his phone shaking in his hands. He curls up, retreats into himself and lets the tears fall, muffles his cries into his elbow. 

"Zayn?" comes Harry's whisper and _fuck_ but he can't get the shaking under control, "Zayn, fuck, it's alright babe, c'mon." 

He shuts the bedroom door carefully behind him and joins Zayn in bed, pulling Zayn's pliant body into him. 

"You don't have to - " Zayn tries, swiping impatiently at tears that won't stop, but Harry interrupts him. 

"Shut up," he says fiercely, tugging him closer. "I _want to_ you complete idiot. What happened?" 

"Nothing - " Zayn chokes out, "Honest, I'm just. I'm just exhausted Haz, I just want to fucking disappear, I just want it to be over, Harry, _please_ \- " 

"Shh," Harry says quietly, kissing Zayn's temple, "I'm so sorry Zayn. If I could do anything, I would. Tell me what to do, I'll do it in a heartbeat." 

And Zayn tries to compose himself but his body's had enough of restraint.

"Bloody hell, what's happened?" comes Niall's voice from the doorway and through his tears he can see Niall's gone pale and he clutches the door with white hands. 

"Get Liam," Harry orders. 

"No, Haz, don't," Zayn begs, but it's futile.

"Do it, Niall," when the door shuts again Harry turns back to Zayn, "I don't know what the fuck you're trying to do here but, this has got to stop. Enough yeah? We're your brothers, Zayn. We made promises to each other. You promised us you'd always be honest with us." 

"It's not like that Haz, you don't understand - " but then the door's opening and Zayn clenches his eyes shut against the stricken look on Liam's face. 

"What happened?" he asks faintly. 

"Nothing happened," Harry bites out, "He's just fucking exhausted because he thinks he has to deal with this shit on his own like a fucking martyr." 

"Zayn," Liam whispers, and he looks heartbroken, "C'mon Zayn, you know that's not true. I thought you trusted me. Thought we told each other everything." 

"I'm sorry," Zayn chokes out, clutching at Harry, "I just. I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want you to think I wasn't strong enough - " 

"I fucking _knew_ it," Harry snaps, "What the fuck did you say to him Liam?" 

"Harry," Niall warns. 

"I didn't - " Liam starts but Zayn stands, wiping away his tears determinedly. 

"It's not your fault," Zayn tells him softly, "It's _not_ , okay Haz? So just - " 

"The fuck it's not his fault, Zayn! _All_ of this is his fault," Harry snarls. He stands too, points a finger at Liam who seems to grow behind it defensively, "Fucking starting with him sleeping his way through this tour. _Jesus_ \- " 

"Fuck off," Liam mutters darkly, "It's none of your fucking business, Styles." 

"None of my business?" Harry starts, voice getting steadily louder, " _None of my business?_ Everything any of you lot does is my fucking business. We _share_ this fucking business, or don't you remember? And what right do you have to act like a fucking teenager while the rest of us have to listen to orders? Why do _you_ get to slag around while _we_ get told what we can and can't do?" 

"Hey," Niall says softly, bravely putting an arm around Harry, "C'mon Haz, s'alright," he soothes. 

"It's _not_ ," Harry says brokenly, sinking into Niall's touch, "No it's not, Niall. Fuck. It's not fair. I just. How come I have to go out on all these bloody dates and Zayn has to be called a cheater in a fake relationship and Liam gets to sleep with as many men as he wants? It's just. It's not fair. I never even got to - " 

Zayn stares at him with wide eyes and breath caught in his throat. He's not mad at Liam, Zayn realizes with a heavy heart, he's just _mad_. Constrained and tied down so that the rope cuts into his wrists and he's too tired to fight back and too enraged to give in and so he's. Caught. Just like Zayn. 

He opens his mouth but Louis's already there, coming in from the doorway to wrap arms around Harry, and today for some reason he manages to envelope the younger boy, hold him tight. 

"I'm sorry, Harry," Liam mumbles softly, but Harry shakes his head. 

"Me too," he responds despondently, voice muffled into Louis' shoulder, "Shouldn't have - " 

"S'okay," Liam cuts him off firmly, "Deserved it." 

Harry pulls away from Louis finally, eyes wet with unshed tears. 

"No you didn't. I _am_ sorry. I'm just - " 

"Exhausted," Zayn offers quietly, and Harry shoots him a pained smile. 

"I was gonna say mental, but - " Niall jokes cautiously and Harry rolls his eyes at him, but his smile grows and the tears don't fall so. 

"Just sort this, yeah Li?" Harry says, gesturing at Zayn and Zayn raises an eyebrow at him indignantly, "He's your favorite so he's your responsibility." 

Liam laughs weakly, eyes never leaving Harry's. 

"He's a right state without you," Louis muses, "Trying to handle things alone," he clucks his tongue. 

"Mental," Niall agrees. 

"Oi. M'still here," Zayn protests. The boys turn to look at him, eyebrows raised. "I'm fine - " he starts. 

"Shut up," they chorus and Zayn shakes his head, looks at Liam who's looking back at him, hesitant and curious. 

"Give us a minute, yeah?" Liam asks quietly, and the rest of the boys nod silently, shooting them both reassuring looks before filing out one by one. 

"We don't have to do this right now," or ever, he adds silently, staring at Liam, waiting for him to make his move. Liam just shakes his head, takes a step closer. 

"Tell me what you need," he demands, another step closer, "Tell me how I can help," he takes one more step, and now Zayn can see early hints of stubble.

"I'm fine," he says, trying to sound more defiant than dazed. 

"For chrissake, Zayn. When I said I was afraid that you'd hate me, I didn't mean that you wouldn't be strong enough to handle it. You don't have to be strong for this. It's fucked up, the whole thing. It's a fucked up world and sometimes we're not strong enough to deal with it and that's why it's me and you. Okay? That's what me and you means. Means I get to be there for you through everything," he pauses, looking suddenly miserable, "It also, generally means that I don't get you into shit like this to begin with but," he smiles self-deprecatingly, "I'm fucked up too. So - " 

"Liam - " Zayn shakes his head but Liam recognizes the way his willpower is weakening, comes even closer to rest a hand on his hip. 

"Tell me what you need," Liam repeats, eyes searching Zayn's relentlessly, "Tell me how I can make this better." 

And Zayn gives in, easy. 

"Haven't really slept properly since that last night on the couch," he confesses, biting his lip after, waiting for Liam's reaction. 

Liam just shakes his head. 

"You're a complete arse and sometimes I don't know what to do with you," Liam says, mostly fond, but there's frustration heavy under his words, "You could have just said - " 

"I didn't want you to worry," Zayn defends meekly. 

"I just. I don't understand you. I turned your life into a complete shit overnight because I wanted to get laid and I was too much of a coward to fess up about it and still _you're_ the one that's got to protect me? _Why_?"

Zayn shrugs, ducks his head.

"You're my favorite," he jokes, deflects. Liam steeples their foreheads together. 

" _Zayn_ ," he pouts childishly, trying to hold back a laugh at their old joke. He looks ridiculous and Zayn laughs despite himself, desperate to turn this light again. 

"Liam," Zayn shoots back, grinning at him. "C'mon then. You gonna take me to bed or not?" he asks slowly, eyebrows raised teasingly. 

Liam's eyes widen in absolute shock, and then he blushes a brilliant shade of red. 

"Fucking hell, you did that on purpose," Liam grumbles, "Take you to bed," he repeats disbelievingly, "I'll fucking show you how I'd take you to bed," he scoops Zayn up and throws him over his shoulder as easy a sack of potatoes and Zayn shrieks his laughter. 

"Oh my god, _Li_ put me down!" 

Liam twirls him about a bit, the two of them laughing breathless and giddy, before he finally dumps him roughly on the bed. And then their eyes meet and there's an electricity in Liam's that kills Zayn's laughter in his throat, body going almost embarrassingly pliant under Liam's hands. 

Liam ducks his head and clears his throat. 

"Sleep?" he asks, and he's gone quiet suddenly, avoids eye contact, "You want me to stay, right?" 

Zayn nods, watches confusedly as Liam fumbles with his sneakers, toeing them off clumsily and stumbling into bed.

"Comfortable?" Liam asks when they've settled against each other, but Zayn decides he doesn't like the way Liam looks so serious so he puts a firm hand on Liam's hip, turns him so they're lying on their sides facing each other.

"Lee-yum," Zayn wheedles, adopting his old accent from their x-factor days. "Vas happenin?'" he asks gently. 

Liam shakes his head, writhing away from Zayn's tickling fingers. His eyes are closed and a faint reluctant smile teases his features and Zayn's greedy for more. 

"C'mon," he nudges, "Could do this all night - " his fingers search for Liam's most ticklish spots and Liam gasps out a laugh, reaching down to still his hand. 

"S'nothing," he insists, shy, "Silly." 

"Tell me," Zayn demands. Liam opens his eyes, fixes Zayn with an amused stare. 

"S'just. You make me so happy, you know?" there's color in his cheeks and Zayn fucking _aches_ to feel the heat there, "Wish you felt the same way." 

Zayn can only shake his head in disbelief, will his organs to cooperate, because Liam is absolutely the most daft person on this planet. He's in love with an actual idiot. 

"Sap," he teases, seeking refuge in old patterns easily enough, steepling their foreheads together. From here he can count Liam's eyelashes, pale in the moonlight that seeps through Zayn's window. They frame earnest brown eyes and Zayn wants to answer them with kisses pressed to translucent eyelids, "I do, Li, promise," he says instead.

Liam smiles back softly, nudges his nose against Zayn's, and Zayn closes his eyes against the intimacy of the gesture, breathes out.

"Tired?" Liam asks him gently, and Zayn nuzzles closer into him, presses them together chest to chest and hides his face in Liam's neck to disguise his choked up voice. 

"Yeah," he nods against Liam's skin, "Glad you're here." 

Liam presses a kiss to the top of his head, slings an arm along his waist. 

"M'always here, you donut." 

And it's still _not enough_ and Zayn has never hated himself more for not making it be. 

\--

"Nervous?" Niall asks, tugging one of Zayn's hands out from where they wrap around each other in his lap and lacing his fingers through it. Zayn wants to tell him no, he's fine, but Niall will call his bluff, hold his sweaty palms up as evidence. 

Instead he just nods tightly, and Niall squeezes his fingers. 

"They're gonna vet all the questions. You won't get one you won't be able to answer," Niall soothes and Zayn relaxes a fraction, squeezes back. 

His phone rings a second later and he tuns it on one handedly so he doesn't have to let go. 

It's from Perrie and he relaxes a fraction further. 

_good luck today babes you've got this. just rmr its pretend ok? an ACT. i know its not true u know it's not true the boys know it's not true. we're all that matters yeah? we're here._

They're ushered upstairs and backstage as soon as they get in. It's a ritzy place so it must be an important interview, Zayn's not sure, he had gone completely numb as soon as he'd heard they were to give a live interview so soon after the scandal, let him give his statement. Zayn had wanted to argue that they've never made him speak out against any other accusations of cheating, but then again, none of them had any truth to them or HQ pictures to tag along. He sighs heavily. 

They're placed two to a dressing room. Harry's paired with Zayn but Zayn sees Liam whisper something to him and Harry smile and nod back and then Liam's heading to him, squeezing the back of his neck lightly. 

"C'mon, you're with me Malik," he says brightly. Steady and composed he wraps a reassuring hand around Zayn's shoulders, leads him inside. 

When he's shut the door behind them he embraces Zayn tightly, 

"You're gonna be great," he says gently, and he sounds so sure and Zayn nods gratefully against him. "Gonna help you, yeah? We all will. You're not alone, babe, promise." 

And Lou will kill him if he cries and he'll cry if he speaks so he just stays silent, soaks in Liam's soothing presence. Liam pulls back, keeps his hands fisted in the material along Zayn's hips. 

"And if you ever stumble," Liam continues reasonably, "Just make that face at the camera," he pouts his lips, narrows his eyes in a way that makes him look completely ridiculous, "Then no one will be able to pay attention to what you say - " 

"Hey," Zayn laughs despite himself, tries to be indignant, "You trying to say I'm nothing but a pretty face?" 

"Well you do have a pretty face," Liam teases back, tightens his grip along Zayn's hips. "You ready?" 

\--

The thing about doing an interview, is that they could probably do it in their sleep. And it's not because it's easy, exactly. An interview with five teenage boys _should_ be a disaster, constant interruptions and petty fights and goofing off - and they do do that sometimes, but only on purpose. If they have to, they can be in perfect sync. It's not anything physical, Zayn thinks idly, not really. S'nothing you can catch on film or freeze on camera. It's just, sitting between them, Zayn can feel Niall's heart rate through the point where their sneakers touch, can tell the rhythm Harry breathes at where his hand lies on his knee, can pick up on the tension of Louis' muscles when he catches his eye, smiles. And regardless of what their PR team wants to sell, it wasn't _natural_ , they didn't just _fall into it_. They built this, the connections between them, the security, the trust. Worked at it for days and months and years. 

Starting with that silly little question game in the bungalow. 

Zayn sighs. 

"So, we're here with One Direction, boy band sensation. Boys, this is a bit of an interesting interview, isn't it? First interview since your names were in the news for something other than record breaking album sales, isn't it? Zayn, what can you tell us about that?" 

Louis' muscles tense. Zayn swallows. 

"Um. Got photographed leaving a club," he mumbles. 

"That's right," the interviewer continues enthusiastically. He's leaning forward on the edge of his seat, expression eager. "We've got the picture here, haven't we - " 

It's pulled up onto the screen in front of them, the picture of him pressing himself up into a complete stranger, and Zayn flinches away from it. Beside him he can feel Liam stiffen. 

"Did you know the young man beforehand?" he asks him. Zayn shakes his head. 

"No, we'd just met at the club. Made some poor decisions that night," he says, tries to stay light, "Learned my lessons though, I promise," he says, putting on his best smile. Pretend, he thinks, slipping back into the old rhythm of press. He can do this. 

"Right," the interviewer says, a bit disdainfully, and Zayn feels Harry's breathing begin to strain, feels some of his confidence ebb, wonders if by some sick twist of faith their interviewer has been cheated on in the past or something. "And what does your girl friend think about these lessons?"

"Er, we're working through it," he stammers, "She's. It's a bit complicated? Life on the road, innit? So we're trying to work it out. She's amazing, brilliant really, really chilled out so - " 

"Well, I'm afraid I can't understand where she's coming from," the interviewer interrupts loftily, "Don't really see how you're worthy of her forgiveness." 

"Shut up," Liam bites out and Niall's heart rate jumps and Zayn's stomach does somersaults but he can only stare at Liam who's hands are clenched in fists and who's eyes stare daggers into the interviewer, "Don't you dare talk to him like that." 

"Liam - " Harry warns carefully, like Liam's gone completely mental, which. Liam's never even come close to losing it in public. Zayn's seen him angry before, but never in front of the cameras - 

"Don't," LIam snaps back, and there's a collective, silent intake of breath, "Don't tell me to - he has _no right_ to say that shit - " 

"Ah, yes, this is interesting," the interviewer turns his attention to Liam, clearly delighted by the turn of events, "Do you _really_ think he deserves your defense? Or is this all just an act - " 

"You bastard," Liam snarls, makes an actual lunge for the man, and Zayn is immobile with shock but Niall and Harry are ready for it, catch his arms, force him back. 

"Liam," Niall cries, "Liam _relax_ \- " 

"He's _ten times_ the man you'll ever be," Liam growls out, "So you can just shut the fuck up you miserable - " 

The producers and camera crew have gone berserk around them, people waving their hands wildly, rushing to salvage the situation. Cameras are being shut off and they're being ushered quickly off the stage, but Zayn remains in a daze, blinded by the hot lights. 

"Fucking hell, Paul, you said they were gonna vet the questions, what the fuck _was_ that?" Liam's shouting, Harry and Niall still firmly attached to his shoulders. Paul opens his mouth helplessly but Louis gets in between them with a hand on Liam's chest. 

"Take a fucking breath, c'mon Li," he fists a hand in Liam's shirt, tugs him roughly into the nearest green room. Niall and Harry have started talking in hushed voices to Paul and Zayn finally notices the way people have drawn together with worried looks on their faces and fuck, Liam's gonna be in so much trouble, the tosser has actual shit for brains. 

Before he can even understand what he's doing he's rushing off to the dressing room. 

"What the fuck Liam," he bites out, slamming the door shut and storming up to point a finger to Liam's chest. Louis clears his throat, lets his hands drop from where they'd rested on Liam's shoulders. 

"Gonna give you two a moment, yeah," he mumbles, edging out of the room quickly and pulling the door shut behind him. Zayn barely acknowledges it. 

"Jesus christ Liam, have lost your mind? Pulling a stunt like that, I can't fucking _believe_ you. You're going to be fucked by management, I swear to god what were you _thinking_?" 

And suddenly Liam's yanking him forward, pressing his lips to Zayn's. Zayn remains stiff with absolute shock, body too used to restraint when it comes to Liam, instinctively wary. 

Liam pulls himself away jerkily. 

"Wasn't. Wasn't thinking," he chokes out, his hands falling into fists at his side. He's not looking at Zayn and he looks wretched, "Fuck, I'm so sorry, Zayn. I wasn't thinking, I was never thinking I -. I tried, I swear to god, I tried not to, I tried to stop but you're. You're _you_ and you make it so bloody difficult and, god Zayn, please, I'm sorry I - " 

"Liam," Zayn interrupts desperately, "Liam. I need you to. Fuck, I need you to use full sentences yeah, cause I'm - " 

Liam looks up at him confusedly, brow furrowed, bottom lip between his teeth as he studies him and Zayn can almost see the moment it dawns on him, the way his eyes widen in shock. 

"Zayn," he says with quiet wonderment, taking a step closer, "You - " he trails off, runs his thumb along Zayn's bottom lip. Zayn trembles helplessly against the caress, shuts his eyes. 

"Li," he begs, " _Please_ I can't- " 

"It's okay Zayn. It's going to be okay," Liam murmurs gently, "I love you," he says, "M' _in love_ with you - " 

And Zayn is darting forward to kiss him, a whimper caught between them as they press close to each other, and Zayn would think he was dreaming except for the solid weight of Liam's body against his, the strength of his hands around his waist, the little sighs he keeps making against his lips. 

They only pull back when they have to breathe, and still Liam's pressing kisses into his cheek and jaw and the middle of his forehead. Zayn laughs breathlessly. 

"I thought - you never said - " 

Liam pulls back, shakes his head with a mixture of fondness and exasperation. 

"I _tried_ , you complete dolt," he chides softly, "Tried to tell you all the time, as many ways I could but you - you kept putting distance between us so I thought you must not be interested." 

"Self-preservation," Zayn says meekly. Liam raises an eyebrow at him, "Just. You've always been. Unattainable. And then you weren't and I just. Didn't know how to - " 

" _Oh_ ," Liam breathes, eyes widening at Zayn's confession. He leans in to kiss him once more, but Zayn pulls back. Damned self-preservation. 

"You're. You're sure, right Li? I mean. Fuck, I'm sorry. I just. I couldn't. If you weren't - " 

"Zayn," Liam tugs him closer with arms around his waist, pulling him into a hug and pressing a kiss into his neck. Zayn shivers, eyes fluttering closed, "I've been trying to get you out of my system for ages. And it hasn't - It's like, It's always been me and you right? I can't do a single day without you, s'just," he steeples their foreheads together, looks Zayn straight in the eye, "Took me a while to figure out that meant I couldn't do a single day without wanting to kiss you." 

Zayn blushes, half waits for Liam to come out and say he's joking, having a bit of a laugh, but Liam just noses at him, lets the phantom of a kiss linger between them. Zayn draws a shaky breath. 

"Sap," he manages finally, dry-mouthed. Liam giggles. 

"Gonna give me your letterman jacket now?" he asks teasingly. 

"S'all I've ever wanted to do," Zayn tells him seriously, and it's Liam's turn to blush, duck his head shyly. 

"I love you," he tells him again. 

Zayn can only nod shakily, offer Liam a weak smile. 

"I just. I can't believe - " 

"I know," Liam smiles gently at him, "Try? I'll help you." His smile's turning cheeky and Zayn frowns questioningly at him, but then Liam's capturing his lips in a kiss, slow and chaste this time, like he's waiting for Zayn to catch up, and if there's one thing Zayn's not, it's a slow learner, so he reaches up to cup Liam's face, change the angle, deepen the kiss. 

"Helping?" Liam gasps into his mouth as Zayn nibbles on his lower lip. 

Zayn smiles into the kiss. 

"Yeah," he mumbles, "Shh," he scolds playfully, groaning when Liam tightens his hold around Zayn's waist, aligns their hips -

"Oi, thought you two would have learned your lesson by now." 

They break apart instantly, but Zayn's apology dies in his throat when he turns to see his bandmates smiling at him, almost giddy with happiness. Harry's hiding his grin into Niall's hair and Niall's trying to scold Louis but Louis's clutching his belly with laughter, eyes bright. 

"Shove it, Lou, nearly gave them a heart attack," Niall's saying without any bite. 

The five of them just look at each other for a moment, and then Louis' giving them a small nod, and so Liam takes Zayn's hand, thumbs across his knuckles lightly. Zayn tries to ignore the way his pulse jumps. 

"We're really happy for you," Harry says then. 

"And not really surprised in the least," Louis tells them, grinning. 

"Does this mean Li's not gonna lose his marbles on national TV again?" Niall remarks casually and Liam winces. 

"Sorry about that - " he mumbles, "M'a twat, aren't I?" 

"Nah," Louis waves a hand, "You were defending Zayn's honor - " 

"Oi," Zayn calls out because he's still got some dignity left, damnit. But Liam's grinning wild and fond, leaning over to plant a kiss to the side of his head, so. That's alright, then. Dignity's probably overrated anyway. 

"Anyway," Harry continues, "We were out of our minds too, he was a complete shit." 

"Yeah, totally out of line, Zayn," Niall agrees. 

"S'okay," Zayn says, smiling weakly. 

"Management's gonna have your head though, you ready for this?" Harry asks Liam softly and Zayn watches the weight of exchange between them. Liam nods. 

"Bout time I pulled my weight," he says lightly. Harry nods back and Zayn squeezes his hand back, warm and solid. 

\--

"Oii, Liam, you've got the chain on," Zayn calls, trying to peek through the cracked open door. He hears footsteps, then the door closes and the chain unlocks and it's Liam's face appearing the doorframe. 

"Hi," he says a bit breathlessly, "You're a bit early - " 

Zayn shrugs, offers Liam a bright smile, and then stops abruptly when his eyes focus on the room behind him, "Liam," he breathes out, "What. What is all this?" 

There are candles _everywhere_ , small ones and big ones, flames skipping and dancing in the small space and casting the entire room in a soft glow. Roses in a vase adorn the bedside table, and a champagne bottle and two glasses are in a tray on the bed and Zayn has to blink a few times, make sure it's all real. 

"Just wanted to prove to you that I'm serious about this. Us," Liam says shyly, "Is it too much?" 

Zayn turns to him with wide eyes.

"You did this. For me?" he asks hoarsely and Liam laughs. "It's. Fuck, Li. It's perfect." 

"You're perfect," Liam grins back, eyes crinkling at the corners, and Zayn wrinkles his nose. 

"Am I gonna have to deal with your sap forever, then?" he asks, biting his lip when he realizes what he's just said. But Liam just takes a step closer, eyes darkening. 

"I'd say so, yeah," he whispers and maybe he's saying other things too but Zayn's eyes have fallen to his lips and he has to swallow against the heat that jumps between them, reach up to tug at Liam's bottom lip with his teeth. Liam moans, cups Zayn's face and kisses him properly, licking into Zayn's mouth and twirling their tongues together. 

"Should we. Fuck. _Zayn_. Should we take this slow?" 

Zayn shakes his head. 

That's an awful idea," he scolds, hands slipping under Liam's tee. Liam whimpers at the slide of Zayn's nails along his hipbones, breaking the kiss to pant against Zayn's neck, and Zayn takes advantage of the angle to nip at Liam's ear, lick soothingly at the bites. Liam's hips jerk forward and Zayn groans. 

"Take this off," he demands, fisting a hand in Liam's shirt. Liam obeys, tugging it off one handedly and then yanking at Zayn's as well. They separate briefly, sharing twin moans with the new skin to skin contact. "Wanna suck you off," Zayn murmurs, low and hot and Liam shuts his eyes. 

" _Fucking hell_. Bed?" 

"No, right here," Zayn mumbles, sinking to his knees and reaching to unbutton Liam's jeans, "Can't wait a second longer." 

_Please_ is torn from Liam as Zayn presses kisses to his dick through his pants, mouthing at the cotton that's already stained with precome. 

"So wet for me already," Zayn groans out, palming at his own dick through his trousers. Liam's got his head thrown back against the door but now he looks down, meets Zayn's hooded gaze. 

"Fuck, fuck fuck, " he chants, "M'not gonna. Fuck. Not gonna last Zayn. _Please_ ," he begs. So Zayn untucks him gently, smirking slightly when Liam bucks his hips. He presses a kiss to the tip before he swallows him down slowly, pumping him with a hand around the base. He hollows his cheeks, savors the bitter taste of Liam on his tongue, heavy against his senses, driving him fucking crazy. He only gets a few good pulls in before Liam's tugging at his hair in warning, and Zayn decides instantly he's never liked his name better than when it's being bitten out by Liam on a groan, face screwed up beautifully as he comes. 

He sinks to his knees almost instantly, batting Zayn's hand away and undoing his jeans. He leans Zayn back gently on the carpet, kisses him to share his taste, groaning when Zayn licks behind his teeth. 

"Fucking love you," Liam mumbles, pulling lazily at Zayn's cock. "Next time, m'gonna do you. Can't wait to get my mouth around your cock - " and he doesn't tighten his grip but that's all Zayn needs to come, head thrown back on a moan as Liam milks him through it, whispering easy encouragement, kissing him on the come down. 

"Fuck," Zayn whispers weakly, eying the mess he's made on his belly. Liam reaches idly for a shirt to clean him off. "You can wear that one," he tells Liam sleepily, "Don't care if you stretch it out." 

Liam laughs, lays out to rest his head on Zayn's chest, fingers tracing the lines of Zayn's stomach. 

"Gonna make you wear my clothes all the time," Liam says, "Can't wait to see you in one of my cut offs." 

"M'naked and you're thinking about me wearing clothes?" Zayn asks, trying to sound offended. Liam makes a valiant effort to kiss him, only manages to reach the corner of his mouth. 

"For later. No one gets to see you like this but me, yeah?" and there's a question carefully disguised in that so Zayn answers it. 

"Yours, Li," he says softly, and if there are tears in his eyes, he's gonna blame it on the post-orgasm haze. 

"Mine," Liam agrees, infinitely more relaxed. "Do you wanna move up to the bed?" he asks after a beat. 

"Don't want to go anywhere without you," Zayn slurs, heavy with sleep, and Liam laughs, tucks closer into his side. 

"Idiot," Liam chides softly, "Sleepy idiot. S'me and you, yeah?" 

"Me and you," Zayn agrees, mantra coming back to him even at the brink of sleep. 

It was always his favorite, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> if you like it, [reblog it](http://badjujuboo.tumblr.com/post/53190658463)? :) (and see the perfect manip made by [shrew](http://www.shrdmdnssftw.tumblr.com)!)


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